07 May 2012

I Quit

Sorry I have been M.I.A. recently - no, I wasn't at the Superbowl flippin' the bird during Madge's performance; that's just crazy-talk. My creative font had dried up for a few moments and plus I was on vacation . . . researching. Coupled with my sincere laziness and want to find a meaningful relationship, something had to give.

On a vacay sprinkled within my hiatus, I want to say about seventy percent of my time was spent online while trying to enjoy the much needed time off. Enjoying the time off didn't happen as I was too concerned about responding to mono and duosyllabic queries of "Sup?" "Lookin'?" "Up to?" "Bro" "Yo" Thinking that this would lead to some fantastical journey to tropical coitus, I entertained them. Every one of them. The whole time. Ugh.

I wasted most of my down time to have sexy-time which happened none of the time. Well, save for the owner of a well-known Italian restaurant who was hitting me up non-stop on Grindr. Ultimately, he invited me back to his Fire Island-like pad where he and his husband/partner used me as a spitroast. Totally great in the moment, but I walk in shame . . . actually, he picked my up in his pick-up filled with restaurant type things cluttering the truck, so it was a short walk, but a walk nonetheless.

These feelings aren't necessary as a 30-something - as a sorostitute, maybe (named so by my college-girlfriend as she did not appreciate the Greek systems and what females had to do to gain acceptance into such a community) - but I feel like I have experienced enough to begin a process of not seeing the guy I am talking to as the future owner of my flower and rather as the potential for a date. I mean, face it, I am not new to this gay culture. I didn't just come out of the closet and see these hook-up sites and Apps as ground-breaking or brilliant. Although, I get hooked: the validation, the thrill of the chase, the visual overload? It all seems worth it. But when it's over - hours later - you are still by yourself or perhaps you made a "friend with benefits" along the way, no real relationship other than the guarantee that you will get your dick wet or ass probed. But I don't go to the clubs often; I rarely go to the gay bars except when my gal pals miss my obligatory "black out and dash with story to follow" moments; and I only go to my gay running club, well, to run (I know, crazy thought). I need to do something. Drastic.

UGH.

So today, officially, I quit: I quit Scruff. I quit Grindr, Craigslist, Manhunt, Manhunt Mobile, Adam4Adam, Adam4Adam Mobile, Mister, Purpl, Gaydar, Blendr (don't judge). I quit all those iPhone apps and sites. Although, I will hold on to my want for good porn at Bull-Ryder.com, Extremetube.com, SeanCody.com, SamuelOToole.com; for godssakes, I am a gay man.

. . . ok: so now what?

Point to the conversation: Find a happy medium.

- DeeCue

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