08 March 2012

Cole Vs. Drunk Cole

I suffer from multiple personality disorder, I share my body with another person. Although we look the same, we are completely different. He takes over during the night and almost every weekend. His name is Drunk Cole (DC for short). DC is like Miley Cyrus, he can’t be tamed. Why do I let him escape? Well, the sad part is most of my friends like DC more than me. They only want to go to places that he’s going. Some people ask me if I can stay at home and just bring DC out…Apparently civilized conversations and going to art galleries aren't activities my friends are interested in. I give in to my "friends" wishes and that’s how DC gets unleashed.

I always find myself cleaning up DC’s mess. It always involves trying to work out what the hell he did last night and putting back together all the dirty, vodka-scented, scattered pieces. The amount of times I’ve woken up next to some stranger DC brought home is disappointing. I hate having to introduce myself to a stranger, especially when DC brings home an asshole. 

So on the weekend DC made an obvious appearance after hearing about an open bar. I was happy to have a quiet night, but no, DC had other plans. He had his drinking buddy Sam with him and when these two get together they go hard and till they are forced to go home. So this is what I’ve managed to piece together of what he did on Saturday;

  1. That bitch spent all my money.
  2. He managed to lose my coat/forget where he dumped it (DC never does coat check because he’d rather spend my money on another drink).
  3. He grabbed the closest unattended coat he could find and decided that was good enough. I on the other hand thought it was quite uncomplimentary. I mean if you’re going to steal a coat, at least steal a nice one.
  4. He smoked the cigarettes he found in the coat. I hate that DC smokes because I like having lungs. He’s always doing things to harm himself like falling asleep and waking up in the Bronx at 4am, not to mention all the damage he’s done to my liver.
  5. DC managed to lose my IPhone, he may have had sold it for 20 dollars. I’m not sure I just expect the worse. It’s M.I.A. and DC is refusing to confess. So now I have no source of music and stuck with a horrible $10 dollar phone. The only upside is it’s equipped with a sweet flash light on top (always look on the bright side of life).
  6. DC went back to Sam’s place to continue raging on through the night, since they had partied after closing time. They had a need to embarrass themselves by raving and screaming along with Britney Spears till a neighbor bashed on walls threatening to get the gun if they continue. I’m sure they just felling to the floor, bleeding with laughter the entire time.
  7. DC killed all means of my healthy eating. He managed to obliterate anything he could get his hands on after an unfortunate late night visit to the Deli. Snatching up Peanut Butter Cups, Pringles, Raspberry Tarts and Marble Cake… Now I can’t eat for the next few days and have to hit the gym extra hard because that asshole can’t control his post-drinking munchies. 

I also had to waste my Sunday running around the city rectifying his dirty deeds. I had to return the hideous coat back to the club. Luckily they had my coat however the IPhone wasn’t there. FUCK YOU DC.

Point of the story: How much does an exorcism cost?

-Cole

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