23 February 2012

Kiss my lips


A friend asked me what quality I like most in a guy, is it a prefect smile, a witty personality, a guy with a big shoe size? After really thinking about it, the kiss triumphs all. If the kiss is a miss then so is the guy. This got me thinking about all the guys I’ve kissed and those who have disgraced my mouth. Now before you think about pointing the finger at me, I know I'm a good kisser, every guy says it. It’s even on my resume under skills - good kisser - I also have written references to back me up. So here they are, and that’s just in the last six months. 

The guy who tasted like cauliflower: This was such an annoying moment; I was so busy trying to work out what the taste was! I am one of those people that dwell on something until I find an answer. So after 20 minutes of analysing his mouth, my face lit up like I found the cure to cancer. I immediately said goodbye as my job here was done and never talked to him again. I went home and brushed my teeth, a lot.

The guy who tried to swallow my tongue: I don’t know if he was hungry and thought my tongue was a good source of protein but he was sucking so hard on my tongue that I thought I was going to lose it. I tried pulling away but his suction lock was too strong, I was gagging. Three people had to release me from his grasp.

The guy who giggled when we kissed: I did my thing and slowly slid my tongue in his mouth and I could feel him smiling, which escalated into giggling. I backed away immediately and he apologized so I got back into it. Again, the same happened. He told me he had never kissed anyone with tongue before. He was 26 so I immediately told him to "stay the fuck away from me" and ran. That’s disturbing! Who hasn’t kissed with tongue before they’re 26, there must be a reason and I didn’t want to find out. 

The guy who was a dead kisser: He would slip his tongue into my mouth and just leave it there, motionless. I don’t know if he was just getting bored (not possible), or maybe he liked to just rest it in there, but most likely he was just a lazy asshole and wanted me to do all the work. 

The guy who licked my face: Luckily this experience was in front of all my friends so they could ridicule me for the months to follow. If I had a dog it would do that. Enough said.

The guy who kissed me as if he was going down on a girl: He smashed his tongue in my mouth and wiggled it side to side rapidly. This freaked me out and my immediate reaction was to stay very still, while his aggressive tongue bashed the sides of my mouth. I hoped he would stop whatever he was doing to my poor mouth but he didn’t so I ran away and hid in the bathroom for 30 minutes.

The guy who said I was ugly: He was a pretty average looking guy but I was in Vegas and wanted to do something crazy so I went back to his apartment in hope of a wild night. We were making out for a bit till he stopped me, his eyes closed and his hands on my face, “you are so ugly” he whispered and went back to kissing me. I was so shocked I didn’t say or do anything, thinking the tequila was screwing with my hearing again. He did it again and I pushed him off me, “Excuse me, what the fuck is your problem?!” He said it makes him feel better about himself, to degrade me. “If you say that one more time I'll snap it off”, I said grabbing his goods. Yes, a tad violent but it was really fucking odd and I was already at his place (a really nice suite in the Paris Hotel) so it’d be inconvenient for me to up and leave. 

The Point of the Story: Don’t eat cauliflower, EVER!

P.S. What’s your worst kiss?


1 comment:

  1. Hi. Larious. Worst kiss has to be "Stubby Tongue." Hands down. He stuck his tongue out all the way and it amounted to about an inch, if that. He was straining to stick it out of his tongue, that there was no gentle massaging on my tongue: just . . . darting.


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