18 December 2011

Signed Sealed Delivered

It’s kind of a sad state of affairs that I can say on more than 1 occasion I have been passed a note at a bar since I have entered my 30s in an attempt to get my attention and theoretically make me want on someone. The first time, I was at a happy hour and a few drinks in so it was fine – the note was actually funny and I ended up letting the author pen me later on in his apartment. I wasn’t really in to being choked though, so that ended any chance of future installments of his in hers volume deux. The second note was passed to me on Sunday. I stopped in a sports bar on the way to my family holiday soiree to get a gift card for my dad for Christmas. I walk up to the bar and ask for a $50.00 gift card, take a quick peek at the enormous wall of tv’s and allow myself to be consumed with sensory overload as the 1:00 football games were all getting ready to kick off at the same time. I didn’t realize how much this $50.00 purchase was really going to cost me.

My transaction should have taken all of a hot second to process but the bar was getting busy and people were thirsty, so I appreciate the bartender tending to his flock of thirsty fools. There was a guy to my left that came in around the same time I did but he was setting up shop for a full day of eating wings, scratching himself inappropriately as he wore the WRONG teams jersey and drinking his pitchers of Michelob Ultra – how sad for me he was married hoping that was a good enough mask to the fact that he likes boys. As we get to chatting, he tells me his name is Daniel and I learn his wife went to the same college I went to but was a few years behind me – sorority girl etc etc etc. I thought I knew who she was but when she showed up she wasn’t who I thought, oops! I played along anyway. Dan the man gives me his whole life story as I’m waiting for the longest ever attempt at procuring a gift card, his wife better enjoy being the silent type because there was no getting a word in edge wise – thankfully the topics were just so thrilling, I couldn’t imagine rocking a Pardon The Interruption. Who wouldn’t want to hear about a career ending golf injury after seriously heavy recruitment that killed his almost college scholarship or the fact that his collegiate career had him in 5 universities and pretty much on the Tommy Boy graduation plan or the fact that he dated his girlfriend (now his wife) for a few years but then they both got jobs for the same omega corporation at different branches and he refused to date anyone he works with so he forced a break up until she left the company and started working elsewhere, then he allowed her the privilege to continue the courtship which eventually led them down the aisle. Wow.

Finally, my gift card has been paid for and when the bartender hands me the receipt to sign, he also hands me another piece of paper informing me that it’s from the gentleman at the end of the bar. Okay let the record show that there were in fact ‘no gentlemen’ at the end of the bar, there were however; a group of guys who looked like they were trying to see who could get arrested and appear on Cops the most amount of times with the least original methods of law breaking. The note said – well, you can read it; it’s the picture that goes with this story. Daniel told me to act like I was his wife’s girlfriend and tell him I don’t like men because he would totally think wifey would want to play along and Daniel would totally be down with that. I get it Daniel, you want to announce to the world that you do love men but you’re hiding behind the falsehood of your ‘heterosexuality.’ Others started chiming in offering their advice to this approach. Some people thought this was original – um original is the sweater I skillfully crafted for the Ugly Christmas Sweater party I am going to tomorrow – this is not original. There was no follow up, my future felon did not come over and introduce himself nor did I take him up on his offer of buying me a beer. You may think I’m a bitch or tell me I need to give him credit because his effort and creativity counts. Well does it count if your pants are off and your manhood is standing at attention but you don’t put it to good use? Does it count if you’re ‘almost there’ and then your partner stops because they’re bored? Almost doesn’t count kids – credit is not due so he gets none. I might have been a little less “seriously?” if he came over and introduced himself, drew a funny picture or didn’t look like he was going to kill me in my sleep - I know, I know, I’m sure he’s a church goer and a pillar of his community. But if I go taking myself off the market for every Tom who has no Dick and is secretly digging Harry – how will I continue to report my life and times dear friends? ;-)

I did think of a few things to write on the note and pass it back but I opted for the old adage of ‘you say it best when you don’t say anything at all.’ I collected my personal affects, the gift card, my receipts and the note and headed off to the family party where you can bet this guys bottom dollar I shared my experience. And yes, I did facebook it – that little piece of paper garnered many a comment – some of the old school peeps were insulted and felt it was degrading, some are going to go out and try this approach over the weekend and report their success/failure rate and the remaining were shocked that such things happen on Sunday afternoons in their neighborhoods. Thankfully I don’t live in the area where this bar is so I don’t have to run the risk of encountering this fool again and if I do, I will at least insist my note being flown at me in a paper airplane or origami formation.

Point of the Conversation: If you think you are being original in an approach to talking to someone you want to see later back at your place in the buff, you probably aren’t – but at least go over and explain yourself lest risk having your love note end up as the picture of the week on So There Was This Guy…..

- Scarlett

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