09 December 2011

Beauty and the Ed Hardy Beast

Last weekend I went out to meet a friend for a few libations. She spent the last year dating a friend of mine from college. I guess I should back up, the guy I went to college with, we’ll just call him Ed Hardy – I loathe all things Ed Hardy but he seems to have it all but tattooed all over him. We never really talked in college but he started working with my friend from grad school so the happy hour circuit started up again. Ed Hardy is a nice enough guy, he’s just not someone I would ever want to date for a myriad of reasons, of which I have had to tell him on more than one occasion when he starts to pontificate on why we should be together – he wants to get married, I’m still not sold on the concept – he wants a litter of children, I asked my parents to contribute to getting my tubes tied for my 30th birthday (they did not buy-in to this proposed idea), I want to live in the city – he never wants to leave his ‘up and coming but will NEVER ever get there’ non city town. I mean I think these are all legitimate deal breakers, oh and there was the year he came to my Christmas party, got himself so drunk he couldn’t operate a tooth brush let alone a car – he decided after everyone left and I relegated him to the couch that he would show me his birthday suit – let’s just say, I have seen light day tampons with more girth and length. I had to put Ed Hardy on time out for a while after this and let the dust settle.

About 6 months later, my friend was hosting a fundraiser happy hour for his team and I am a sucker for a cause so I spammed my address book to try to get some support at his function. Ed Hardy came with a few work friends and when it comes to charity, I will put the image of the little engine that is barely there and hardly could out of my head and rock the small talk. Also in attendance was my friend, we’ll just call her Princess – she’s very nice but is a product of privilege – the average cost of her day to day attire and accessories would pay off my car in about 3 days. She is that girl that has herself on a marriage/kids timeline that has already slid past its maturity date by about 5 years so she is always on the prowl. She is an amazing person and I’m glad she’s my friend but she thinks that she should never have to pay for anything for the duration of a relationship and is old school about some other stuff to which has lead her to have a subpar dating life. She also shows up to the happy hour and although she met Ed Hardy at my Christmas party, she claims she doesn’t remember. So they start talking, she was asking me about him and I said he needs a nice girl who wants to get married and have kids and be okay living in his neighborhood because I can’t see him ever moving. Boom – she heard marriage and kids and decided to move in for the kill.

Ed Hardy and Princess start dating and I was kind of happy about that, hoping that I could go back to hanging out with Ed Hardy at communal social functions and have it not be weird and Princess would have someone to take to her formal balls – it was win win all around right? Except that Ed Hardy wasn’t as in to her as everyone had hoped and their close circle of friends and even family had bets on when this relationship would implode. Ed Hardy started going on vacations across country and to Mexico and Canada without Princess and never so much as sent her a post card via carrier pigeon to say what’s up? She retaliated by going on a few cruises with friends where she then ignored him – sounds blissful doesn’t it? Yet through it all, Princess was hoping to get herself a diamond solitaire from Tiffany's this Christmas. I was invited to a few events that they were both at over the last year and I did go to a couple but their dynamic was so uncomfortable, I had to make it a point to not go to any more. Ed Hardy was withdrawn and connected to his massive cellular device – I think he had some sort of anatomical envy of the piece, I mean I would if I were him.

Fast forward to about a month ago – news is leaked that the twosome have ended their couple-ship and would still be friends but could no longer be daters because of an unwillingness on Ed Hardy’s part to move – well we knew this was an issue from the get go but once again, somewhere in the universe, girl likes boy, girl thinks she can change boy and girl is a dumbass for thinking so. They still tweet each other and have hung out a few times but mark your calendar because there was in fact a day the music died in their relationship. Princess keeps insisting their story isn’t over yet and this is where my soiree with her comes in.

Princess and I go out in the city because she feels she needs to clear the air about the situation with her and Ed Hardy – I couldn’t give a rats ass or even a hippo’s ass but I didn’t want her to be kept up a night over analyzing on my behalf. Her facebook status was that she was SO excited to be going out with me (knowing full well Ed Hardy would see it since they are still buds on the information superhighway and she was hoping he would react). I never did tell her about how Ed Hardy tried to make me his wifey, there was no need for that. Right after the break up, his presence on all of my fb postings increased a thousand fold – I get it dude, you’re single and looking to mingle, I am single and looking to stay that way spank you very much. Princess starts chugging her white zin like it’s Gatorade after an ultra marathon and then the water works start. Despite all of their issues and crossroads she still thinks he is the one for her – she went so far as to quote Boyz II Men lyrics as if they penned songs just for her and Ed Hardy – it was painful, I’m not going to lie to you. I order her some quesadillas and am ready to put her in a cab when she asked me what I was going to be up to. I said I was going a few blocks over to a dive bar to take back what was left of my night – she decides she wants to come. By all means, let’s do this. We get into said dive bar and I order a stiff drink – she locks eyes on the bartender as best she could with her slizzered peepers. She thinks that maybe at 32 years old, she should try yet again to have her first 1 night stand – oy vay. She proceeds to order a 40 of Old E in an attempt to impress this bartender – meanwhile she is dressed down tonight with her Vuitton bag Michael Kors shoes and Nordstrom ensemble and custom made diamond encrusted tennis bracelet. She tries talking to the bartender over the blaring of Ke$ha and made no progress. Hard to see why, I mean at this point her smashbox mascara was running down her face from her earlier tear fest and she was beyond visibly impaired, but I give her credit for persevering. She ended the outing by telling the bartender that she was 3 years past her timeline for having babies, but she has a house and she’d let him move in if he wanted to because she has the room and her cats would just love him. You could just tell he was going so flaccid that his family jewels would need serious resuscitation if he ever wanted it to work again. I decide that enough is enough and Princess needs to turn into the Drunken Drooling Sleeping Beauty. I put her in a cab and sent her on her way, sadly she has yet to complete the task of a 1 night stand. The following morning she facebooked the world that she had THE BEST time ever, I don’t know about all that, I have blackmail pictures that would indicate otherwise lol. This just goes to prove my theory that I posted a couple of weeks ago, getting out before the holidays is clutch if you’re really not feeling it and the person on the receiving end is left to wonder where it all went wrong. I do feel in this particular relationship, the writing was on the wall in big gigantic neon glowing letters and that was just for the part of the relationship I was aware of, who only knows what went on behind closed doors besides an unsatisfied libido. Not to worry though, Princess is already gearing up for NYE because what a more romantic story could she have, either getting back together with the one who doesn’t love her or meeting a new Mr. Right Fit For My Timelines than on NYE. I do hope though that she can sleep better now that she has ‘cleared the air’ with me, but if she does have trouble sleeping, I know where she can get a 40 of Old E to pacify her ;-)

Point of the Conversation: Any relationship that defeats you to the point of seeking comfort in malt liquor instead of your usual Cristal is probably the best indication of incompatibility ever – listen to your liver and don’t be a 40 swilling hero.

- Scarlett

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