18 November 2011

Highway to Hell - the Holiday Break-Up Installment

This time of year has always been interesting to observe or in some cases, survive. I’m sure if you look back over your dating/hook up resume you can relate or know someone who was in this situation. The end of year holidays have a way of expediting expiration dates on a couples time together in a much more aggressive way than wanting to end your spring fling in time for a summer of debauchery at the shore senior year of high school. Anyway you’ve seen it happen time and time again, summers over and you’re out at a work happy hour or out with friends or patrolling your respective dot com website looking for companionship and you seem to have found yourself the ‘it’ person – things are going well and then starts the talk of Thanksgiving dinner, the company holiday party, family holiday obligations, New Years Eve and before you know it, Valentine’s Day. WHOAH slow down, who accelerated life like that? The answer is simple, anyone who was just biding their time with you who never wanted it to be anything more than superficial or non ‘complicated’, then you went and started putting pins in the voodoo doll of your relationship by asking the dreaded question of – ‘Did you want to come to my family’s house for dessert on Thanksgiving?’ I mean really, how dare you be asking such a thing, you guys only been hanging out for a few months!

If you’re just casually knockin hooker boots with someone, usually the communication goes from semi-regular to completely off the radar right about now if it hasn’t already, you know, since you aren’t really in a relationship, you don’t want there to be any confusion or expectation of co-mingling around the holiday time but you will most likely hear from this person if they can’t get any New Years ass or after Valentine’s Day when it’s safe to communicate without the notion of a gift exchange, meeting the parents or cuddling by the fire - forever.

If you’re in a relationship, the self induced pressure starts to mount usually after Halloween, you don’t want to break up before then because you want to see your plus one in that slutty ensemble or you went the route of a couples costume and you can’t have Batman without Robin, Hansel without Gretel, Snow White without her 7 dwarfs (I’m sure Vivid Video has something for that ;-) you get the point. After that though, the clock starts ticking….tick..tock…tick…tock. Malls start to play Christmas music, grocery stores have cornucopias and fruit cake – all things that if you’re looking for it are a reason to get out of the situation you have found yourself in for the last few months which you are now convinced is suffocating you. I mean, you started out just hanging out grabbing a beer watching the game, constantly crushing each other at intense games of Words with Friends, or going to see the newest Twilight movie since you can’t tell your friends you’re secretly a fan and don’t want them to disown you from the group - but this person you’ve been overlooking that’s now right in front of you, they’re awesome enough to sit through an embarrassing movie with and keep it your little secret awww. Then out of nowhere without you realizing it, you became this ‘couple’ and you’re doing everything together – asking who’s house you’re staying at this weekend, giving up the date night out for a date night in wearing sweats, checking out what’s on demand and ordering pizza then ultimately, changing your facebook status. When did this happen? How did this happen? Why did this happen? What if I’m supposed to be with someone else, or no one? Why are they nitpicking every blessed thing I do? When did I gain this 5 lbs? When is the last time I saw my friends or had a night out without him/her? What if they want to make this more serious than it is? What if I don’t want to go watch someone’s nephew play pee-wee football on Thanksgiving because I’ll be sleeping off the biggest drinking night of the year but omg what if I am not allowed to go out on the biggest drinking night of the year because he/she has my junk/boobs in vice grips and never lets me do anything I want? Are they going to want to move in together now so we can host both families for Christmas brunch? What about New Years Eve – what god awful fondue party am I going to have to be part of when the ball drops instead of streaking through the neighborhood like I do every year? Aaaand you’ve gone and done yourself in, you just successfully created a situation that most likely wasn’t there, convinced yourself its Bible and ended what was probably the most healthy chillaxed relationship you have been in since prom.

Now that you have decided that the sheer thought of your plus one sends you into aggressive heart palpitations and cold sweats in all the wrong ways, you get distant for a few days then ask to meet them for coffee or something that is a-typical of your usual hanging out because you just have to end it now or forever hold your peace. This may alert some people that something is awry or if they’re super stupid and a hopeless romantic, maybe they think it’s just a ploy and you are coming armed with some kind of commitment bling – boy will he/she be blindsided! So there you are, face to face with the object that was your desire now is your demise and you break it to them that you just can’t do this anymore and you have to be fair to yourself and that person, especially with the holidays coming up, it wouldn’t be right to exchange gifts (which you never had any intention of buying them anyway) or a midnight kiss on a year you will not be spending together (because you decided that the hotty yum yum in accounting would be better for that, or the random that gets you back to your old single self mentality). The recently dumped is sitting there bewildered, blindsided and crushed – how did they know that when you guys went to the grocery store last month to pick up chicken to make for dinner and you saw a display suggesting you order your pumpkin pie NOW that it was going to send you into a downward spiral of over analysis and relationship excision. They try to reason with you but your mind is made up, you hug it out, call you crew who you swear you haven’t seen since spring break in college but really it was just last Thursday, go get drunk, sleep it off, shake it off and rejoin the world for the holidays without the old ball and chain. Jewelry commercials validate you made the right decision because you cannot see buying that etc. You change your facebook status back to single, hit the gym all of twice because now you’re ripped again and are back to the love stallion you were just a few months ago, only better – right!? Never mind the thoughts that are swirling around your confused and cluttered brain. The dumpee is being validated by her friends that you were unstable – obviously to pull a stunt like this so close to the holidays, but to keep fighting the good fight and this time next year, you’ll be with someone WAY better and deserving of you – right!?

As previously stated, at some point in life, I’m sure you have been on at least one side of this scenario, do you remember? Well I have news for you, I can’t speak for everyone but I can speak for myself and quite a few people I know…..unless you are a complete dipshit, take your head out of your ass before you proceed with relationship implosion 2k11 because not everyone thinks that breaking the wishbone with you means that person is expecting a 2 karat Tiffany ring before the year is up or a co-signed lease after 5 months of dating and if you are with someone who does in fact think that, then you have my permission to run – run far and fast, otherwise calm the fuck down, it’s not that deep!

Point of the Conversation: If hearing ‘All I Want for Christmas Is You’ makes you think the sweet release of death is a better option than sharing some Figgie Pudding with your plus 1 – for their sake end it now and seek professional help immediately – lest run the risk of being the gift of that Alfani shirt from Macy’s – because nothing says ‘Till Death Do Us Part’ like a calming blue button down that will match anything.

- Scarlett

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