14 October 2011

McLovin

I’m getting ready to spend the weekend in Atlantic City and although I have my fair share of stories from AC, I am reminded of one of my weekends in Vegas. I was out there with my girls for a long weekend, I had done the weekend with a boyfriend and realized how over rated that was but this time we were all single and ready to get our ‘shhhhhh what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’ on so in the interest of preserving that, I will give you a random highlight without giving away all the good stuff – this time ;-)

I have a few friends who live in Vegas and one just so happens to work for an event promotions company so we got the royal treatment; it was the best time ever! For the almost five days we were there, I think we collectively got 14 minutes of sleep. My recently separated friend decided to make use of a few staircases/bathrooms with each part time lover she found. My newly divorced friend we saw when we got off the plane and again the day of check out – the days in between we just imagine she spent living out the Hangover but with an extra from Cirque de Soleil instead of the tiger, but we’ll never really know. The rest of us just did what you do in Vegas, got mixed up in the likes of a few bachelor parties, watched a few guys take off their wedding bands and lectured them accordingly and just had an intoxicatingly good time without ever waiting in a club line and having a few tables/bottles thrown our way.

Half way through the trip, somewhere between the red bull and champagne, a few of us decided to have coffee seeing that it was about 7 a.m. and we were going to be daring and not even Irish our coffee to let our liver recover for a hot second! So, we get our respective morning beverages and sit to do some people watching – it was the usual craps table of guys who had been at it for hours and the ‘ladies’ who were trying to latch themselves on to the high rollers. A random guy or two that totally reminds you of Clark W Griswald and Cousin Eddy from the Vegas Vacation movie, looking for the sure thing to win back his life savings and a few ladies for hire that were definitely off the clock now looking rather busted.

Our coffee is almost done and we were trying to figure out what the next plan of action was when all of a sudden a guy sits down at our table – completely smashed. He was chugging Heineken which he kept referring to as Vaginaken – because ‘a lady tastes better from a bottle.’ We asked him what his name was and he pulls out a license – it was the McLovin license. He never broke character; he was referring to himself as McLovin the whole time. I called our room to get my very equal opportunity friend down to where we were because she would just LOVE to deal with McLovin and the rest of us had decided to meet for breakfast and the tapeworm was calling. We did hang out with McLovin for a bit longer, he kept drinking and asked if we wanted anything to drink, he pulls his wallet back out and he had quite a bit of cash and credit cards. McLovin was fortunate that we were not the type to take advantage of a drunk guys wallet, taking advantage of a drunk consenting guy is one thing, but it’s not cool to deliver yourself a payday at the expense of someone else, especially someone who refers to himself as McLovin.

McLovin’s friend finally shows up, she was playing poker and hit pretty big, she left a $100 bill on the table to thank us for taking care of her friend and she was going to go play a few hands of black jack and be back. Okay….. We try to ask McLovin where he was staying and that’s when he tells us that his wife sent him out to find a girl or two to bring back to the room for them to get with. Now, far be it from me to tell anyone what to do behind closed doors and with whatever number of people it takes to make the dynamite go boom but McLovin was soooo tanked, no amount of Viagra in the world would help his flaccid cause. He then goes on to try to sway us further with stories of his sexcapades, he did have good stories, whether or not they were legitimate didn’t even matter but our friend here defiantly needed to go home and pass out. We went through his wallet looking for any sort of hotel room key or receipt from somewhere and had no luck. The friend in the room that we called arrives in freshly did evening makeup and prom hair, HILARIOUS! We knew McLovin was in the hands of our friend who can rock the special massage with the best of them so she immediately took him up on his offer for morning beers and the rest of us left for a bit as the friend we left behind was trying to see if there was a spark in his magic dragon.

My friends and I did the walk by after breakfast and they were still at the table chugging from the green bottle and slurring their adventures and pillow talk to each other, I wish I had my camera to record this exchange, it was priceless. As my crew minus prom hair friend made it back to our room to shower and get ready for another day turned into night turned into day, prom hair rejoined the group. Curious why she didn’t want to go back and meet Mrs. McLovin and partake in his sausage for breakfast, she said he sort of just passed out at the table and she was pretty sure he was in that coma state of drunk. She alerted a security guard and she saw him get taken to some office area. She didn’t want to waste her look of sexual essence so that was the last we saw of her for the next 48 hours, she definitely traded in her prom hair for sex hair. We often wonder what happened to McLovin, hopefully he scored his wifey some new boobs to play with.

Maybe I’ll run into east coast McLovin this weekend, or someone who would make for good research for next week’s posting, but for now, I have to go work on perfecting my prom hair/sex hair/prom hair ;-)

Point of the Conversation: Be on the lookout for McLovin, he is the intoxicatingly crazy sex machine in real life just as he portrays himself in Superbad ;-)

- Scarlett

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