07 October 2011

All the Assholes are Experts

Why does it seem like everyone I encounter this week knows everything about everything about everything ever created leaving the rest of the world to technically know nothing but having you hope we want you to explain it ALL to us?! I have been going out religiously watching the MLB post season games because who isn’t?! I am actually going out for the love of the game and to watch my team win the World Series not to find someone to play a few extra innings of run the bases with. Anyway, by doing this, I have been making myself available to different social groups for game watching fun and have encountered a myriad of douchers who are trying to pry my eyes away from the TV and towards the bulge in their pants with the use of their vast knowledge about everything from splitting atoms to splitting bowls with friends. I’d like to share with you a few highlights – take notes and do not try this at your home town bar.

Game 1: The first fool I encountered during game 1 kept trying to touch my team t-shirt because he swore that the shamrock on it was going to bring him luck and he might as well have been the inventor of the shamrock and the four leaf clover and did I know there was a difference because there is. Yes Captain Horticulture I do know the difference now please take your Miller High Life and affinity for rubbing me like Buddha elsewhere. My 7th inning stretch involved relocating to another bar to watch the end of the game. My team won!

Game 2: Brought with it the guy who decided to talk to me about wine. Okay, me with my beer in hand will talk to you about wine while you sucking on a glass of house gin and tonic sure. I was half paying attention because he was only half cute; he lost his luster when he started talking. No ass, I don’t want to release your tannins or taste you in my mouth and savor you like the Pinot grape. I too have seen Sideways, I too have been to Napa and Sonoma Valley and I to am going to walk away from your wealth of knowledge about absolutely nothing. My team lost.

Game 3: I was at a happy hour in the quasi burbs with co-workers for our monthly social networking night. This had to be better since we were in our own private room away from the fools at large right?! It’s all fun and games until the drunken nomad from upstairs wanders down and tries to take a piss in the trashcan in the private room we were in – seriously kids, this happened. He was removed from the establishment; I know you are as shocked as I am with that action right?! ;-) Apparently the person who reserved the room undershot by an hour so towards the end of the game, we had some non work peeps cramping our style. This night brought with it the guy who makes a living ‘picking’ and playing poker. Okay wait, I’m sorry, did he say picking? I wasn’t sure I heard correctly because I was observing how he cut all parts containing elastic off of his sweatshirt because he felt like it flowed better on his body that way. I had never heard of this term of ‘picking’ before used in reference to an occupation and joked how it sounded like something on TLC – apparently there is such a show. He enjoys picking through peoples ‘throw-aways’ looking for a diamond in the rough just knowing that he is going to find something to get him on Antique Roadshow. WOW – winner winner chicken dinner let me take you home to mom and dad – I’ll meet you after the flop as I turn down to the river – I can talk Texas Holdem buuuut I don’t want to. I relocate to another part of the bar and watch my team win!

Game 4: I was hopeful that being back on my neighborhood turf I would be okay and able to just enjoy the game. I got to the bar with my partner in crime and we got real estate just in time, we also had an extra chair at our table – I wish you had been sitting there. For those of you old enough to remember the show Head of the Class, picture Arvid Engin and this was our first unwelcomed guest. He had his jersey tucked snugly into his pants which were tightly belted, his jacket tied around his waist, glasses that looked like they were squeezing his brains out of the top of his head and a random strand of Mardi Gras beads that I was not about to procure the hard way. Arvid kept insisting our names were Amy and Marcia um I can assure you that Stephanie and Scarlett are in fact NOT Amy and Marcia and whomever he was hoping to encounter from match.com probably did see him and turn around and leave before going on her date. Arvid knew everything about everything about everything dealing with Google because his grandma bought him stock before they were the conglomerate they are now. Stop talking, stop talking now or I will spy wear the shit out of your laptop. Our bartender friend escorts Arvid away and next up is the bizarre Mark Zuckerburg – he was insisting he looked like Justin Timberlake from his NSync days because he could get his curly hair to fro like JT’s and he proceeded to show us – boy needs some Head & Shoulders I’ll tell you that much. He totally was a fashion expert with his fedora, zip up hoodie to conceal his layered t-shirt look and his more like Seventeen not Seven jeans complete with what looked like Keds knockoffs – I mean he is oozing take his clothes off but more in a ‘what not to wear’ sense. But he knows all there is to know about luxury cars, um okay so I take it you work for Enterprise and pick people up in their upgraded rides that’s awesome and good for you but my Toyota that will run forever and I don’t care about your Jag now zip off that hoodie and accelerate into someone else’s future. My team lost.

Sadly I was sober for all of these encounters and I just want to put a PSA out there to everyone who knows everything about everything about everything – if you’re going to try this tactic, please don’t bother attempting it during any sort of sports play offs – just because I have boobs doesn’t mean I don’t know sports and want you to inform me what Bo knows and what you know. If you do not heed this PSA, please at least make sure the other participant in your know it all convo is drunk enough to think you are the Alpha and Omega of Awesome otherwise you’re just wasting your game which really you should re-think anyway.

Point of the Conversation: sometimes it’s not as important as your team winning the World Series as it is you surviving going out to watch them on their journey to take the trophy, if you aren’t careful, you may wind up some know it alls’ trophy and here at So There Was This Guy, we totally judge ‘that girl’ ;-)

- Scarlett~

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