30 September 2011

Scarlett and Goliath

You know that feeling you have when you are just out of a long term relationship and you’re back out ‘on the market?’ It’s weird because you have to remind yourself that you’re allowed to more than just window shop but there’s also that odd feeling of knowing no one knows what you just went through leading up to the moment where you’re both at that same place at the same time and you hope they don’t figure it out.

Driving in to work this morning, I heard a song that totally reminded me of the first guy I quasi entertained after the ex husband – David, but he was sooo tall, he might as well be known as Goliath. I had gone to a concert last minute with a friend from work after her mommy and me play date counterpart had to bail because the twins were dealing with croup – I know this is all foreign language-esque. Anyway, I get the ticket and we have an obscene amount of fun at the concert. My friend has several children and never gets a night out so she was ready to hit up a bar in her neck of the woods for some sex on the beach and sea breeze kind of fun, naturally, I wanted something a little stronger than that.

She and I make our way into the bar and I squeeze up to place my order and then my friend informs me that she sees Goliath, her husband’s friend. We go over and say our hello’s and make small talk. Goliath was quite a few years younger than I was at this point, still in college actually. He is about 8-9 inches taller than I am which you know makes me crazy uncomfortable, so I insisted he remain seated. As the idle chit chat starts to really idle, I decided to get another round of libations and I see the bartender making some shots for a group of sketchy mofo’s to my left. I inquire about the contents of the shot, being no stranger to working behind a bar; this particular concoction was new to me. The bartender pours me a shot after he pours the paying customers their round and as I go to shoot it, Goliath starts talking about how he wants to get in a fight and wonders why ‘his girl is doing shots with the neighborhood rejects.’ Wow, so this is being single again…. First of all, I am not ‘his girl’ nor was I doing the shot WITH the crazy ass mofo’s, I was not even talking to them and why do I find myself having to explain this to someone I just met?

After an understanding look from the bartender, he topped off my near pure liquor cocktail and I returned to my not so stellar after party. Goliath and I were talking about tattoos, he wanted to get one that represented his desire to one day learn to surf….. Digest that kids. He then went on to talk about how he really loved working at Home Depot because of their success rate producing Olympians. Okay, first of all, yes from what I understand it is a very good company to be employed by and some who needed to supplement their athletic career who have gone on to the Olympics have a W2 from the Depot but it’s not like you can walk in and ask for the Olympics department and put on skates to be the next Michelle Kwan?!

The lights were starting to get brighter and now I can see why so many bands are writing songs about people looking better with the lights off and you look better when I’m drunk because holy sober awakening batman! I start to say my good-byes to Goliath and entourage and head back with my friend to her house where I was already planning on staying over. We get back to her house so we can keep drinking and she can catch up and what do you know, Goliath was already in the driveway waiting for us. Apparently, she had invited him back because she wanted to know what it would be like to sleep with him so she was going to send me in to conduct this research for her. We start watching movies and she wanted to learn how to play Asshole, she was 33 at the time and had never played, how is that possible? I wasn’t really up for this particular challenge but we go for the gusto anyway. She tells Goliath to sit next to me and we start snacking on better cheddars. He throws one at me and then said he’ll go ‘spelunking down my cleavage to retrieve it.’ SERIOUSLY where the hell do these people come from!? I wasn’t really up for having my chestaclease spelunked especially by him. I then decided to chug cans of Heineken because that is the answer to everything, especially when you don’t even like that kind of beer.

The sun starts to come up and I am crazy exhausted by this point so my friend throws a handful of condoms at me and directs Goliath and I upstairs to the room on the right where I was to be staying. He and I did have a few half aggressive half drunk make out sessions which were fine on the Richter Scale of kissage, not really enough to make me want to see what else he had to offer but I had to keep telling myself that the time is now and I am single so just go with it. Goliath tries to start whispering sweet nothings about how he knew we were going to get married when he saw me and he was going to be getting his own place off campus soon so I could just move in with him. Way to make me lose my libido dude. He didn’t know I had just spent nearly 7 years with the wrong person so the thought of committing to anyone or thinking long term made me want to vomit but he does have a pulse so he should know that his kind of pillow talk is not the way to get this girl into the boudoir after I alluded to that several times. I was starting to realize I couldn’t go through with it, more so because my friend was awake with her door open hoping to catch some of the show and who knows if she was going to attempt to tape it or not but also because Goliath was talking too much, his moves were not even textbook and I had been up for almost 30 hours, my O face would be from sleep not his ‘seduction.’ He wasn’t picking up what I was throwing down so I thought maybe I was just being too prude about the whole situation, until I opened the bedroom door and saw that it was her 5 year old daughters room. No way in hell was I going to get it on with the limp jolly green giant in the bed of an innocent kid surrounded by finger paintings, princess and enough pink to make a cotton candy factor jealous – that’s just too messed up. I politely lock Goliath out and pass out for about 2 hours then my alarm went off because I had to be somewhere by 10 a.m.

As I was driving to my destination swearing I still tasted like better cheddars and Heineken despite a shower, aggressive tooth brushing and ½ a bottle of Listerine, I called a few of my friends and told them how I bombed at being single but vowed to get my groove back the way that Stella did. If you are a regular reader you know that there are days where the cosmos busts out the A game but there is still an ocean of Goliaths out there. I’ve gotten better at when to pull the standard card and when not to but I still wouldn’t want to see Goliaths Mount Rushmore, it’s just too weird how bad my friend wants on him but she is blacklisted because of her vows of marriage. I guess there are ups and downs to single and fabulous and married and content but I’m still liking life on this side of the coin, so I think I’ll keep the single thing going for a while longer ;-)

Point of the Conversation: Spelunking boobs for Better Cheddars is generally not enough to get a girl into bed unless that is how she’s choosing to end her hunger strike. And If you should get this method to work, make sure there’s not a wall of Disney Princesses staring at you critiquing your every move, unless you’re both into that sort of thing.

- Scarlett

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