16 September 2011

Now or Never

So I find myself writing this week with an utterly broken heart. Now, for those of you who read often, you’re probably thinking that this is impossible since I am still not sure there is such a thing as a happily ever after and I’m hesitant to go all in trying to find out the answer to that question - well, you are right, this is not man induced. A beautiful innocent little 6 year old princess in my community died from a horrific bout with a silent yet aggressive cancer. Five months ago she was running and playing with her friends and siblings and now those same people are left shattered as they pick out what to dress her in for her funeral. She never got to see her Make-A-Wish come true, she will never have a ‘so there was this guy’ story of her own. She deserves to be remembered as she has left a lasting footprint on my heart so rest in peace sweet angel.

The evening before her passing things were looking rather grim and it was down to the ‘it’s only a matter of time’ scenario. I had already made plans with friends weeks ago and decided to go out there and live it up for this precious little girl fighting for life. A big group of friends and I had tickets to an all day drinking extravaganza with a bunch of local bands and for the first time in forever, the rain was on pause and the sun was out! I put on a new dress, did my hair and makeup like this was going to be my last night on earth, because after recent events, I was reminded that Pitbull was right, we might not have tomorrow, let’s do it tonight! I run into some other friends, I mingle with the event promoter as we have become tight through the years and even a guy I had gone to college with back in the day that I haven’t seen in 10 years. All in all, it was shaping up to be a good day, the dj inside was playing everything I asked, the bands outside much the same and then my friends started with the shots - at first for fun, then out of necessity. We had the displeasure of encountering a bachelor party from about 4 hours west; they might as well have been from Middle America - no disrespect to our readers there. Several of the groomsmen were trying to get us to break up the wedding by ‘exposing both our breasts’ um really? Did you just say that? Is it Whip em Out Wednesday the weekend version? There were 1200 people at this event and we weren’t auditioning for girls gone wild in daylight so we declined but said we would pose for a picture to fulfill the checklist of bullshit they had going. Apparently, this was not enough of an encounter as they appeared about an hour later trying to figure out where we were all going next - um we’re not, but I will tell you what strip club to go to to help a bachelor party out. This is about the time that my friends declared it shot’s o’clock and damn they were going down smooth. The event was coming to a close and I was feeling toasty. The game plan was to go to a bar back in our neighborhood celebrating their 10th anniversary for about an hour then go home. Of course, that is not how the night played out.

Three of us went to the bar with the biggest square footage and biggest asshole bartenders in the neighborhood. I walk in and am immediately complimented but a handsome gay guy and let me tell you, there is no better flattery in a straight woman's life than the approval of an ensemble by a gay man. So we start chatting and his partner is there so I ask how long they’ve been together and if they’re happy - he said over 10 years and no, he was miserable! :( Why stay together then? Apparently partner has a big dick but I would classify that as his personality and not his equipment. Said partner looked very much like Andy Dick and I questioned his crocs and socks combination. He started yelling at me talking about how he’s missing toes and do I want to smell his foot - so I retaliate that he should be thankful he can still walk, I know so many people bound to wheel chairs and I couldn’t help but think of the little princess forced to be transported in a stroller for the last 5 months because her little legs couldn't hold her up anymore. So after this tirade goes down, the initial guy who liked my outfit wanted to introduce me to his ‘straight friend Steve.’

I start talking to Steve and immediately he starts in with the - you’re Scarlett, I’m Steve - I have a tattoo, you have a tattoo next thing you know he’s ordering me bud light which I immediately put the kibosh on and he starts getting me shots of whisky and of course we’re making out in a matter of minutes. My new gay friend decides to get a picture of us kissing to ‘use as our engagement picture’ because he just knows we are gonna end up together - whoah. Steve is telling me that he is in real estate - translation, he’s unemployed. He said he lived alone, after I was introduced to his roommate. 0 for 2 here buddy. He starts introducing me to people as his wife to people that I know because I go here all the time and they know that is not so much the case. Then he starts talking about our children - what they will look like and how many we will have and what sports they will excel at. How many crimson on fire red flags shot off with a flair gun are you seeing here? Soon, Steve starts yelling at me because I called him Steve and his name is Adam from Ohio. Wait, what?! You and your friends introduce yourself to me as Steve; we had the whole S & S conversation. Then he just starts screaming of me incessantly and I did something I never do an am afraid to admit - I was so angry (the whiskey wasn’t helping) fired up on emotional overdrive - I started crying angry tears so I left immediately because this is an unacceptable display of emotions - thanks for the help full moon, whiskey and the heart wrenching fight of a little girl with terminal cancer. I walk into my favorite local bar and in all the years I’ve lived here, they have never seen my eyes leaking emotion so I was handed a shot and a beer - truly my favorite. The rest of the girls show up shortly after I texted them my where abouts. I see a guy, Keith from the earlier function that I have known for 5 years but don’t go talk to him just yet as I am still a bit of a mess and just need my girls. Within a half an hour of my group re-congregating, Adam shows up with his cronies what in the holy fuck?! They live in the city but a totally different part and somehow during my absence from the bar I met my supposed husband at and where we both were now, he got my digits and left me a barrage of nasty voice-mails and angry texts. Adam starts yelling at me and pulling me in to kiss me at the same time insisting I take him home. Keith sees what’s going down but we’re not tight enough for him to really know how to intervene, so he decides to relocate to a different bar and tell me his whereabouts. I decide to discretely join him about a half an hour later. Keith actually lives a few states south and comes into town for his finance job from time to time. I find him at a table in the corner and sit down, start chugging from whatever is in his glass, we’re going on a half day of liquid dehydration in 21st bday fashion.

I bring Keith back to my house and take his clothes off so fast there is a good chance I made a few rips in them. I am a little disappointed I didn’t have my A game ready due to the emotional sewage that was occupying every aura of my being but I wasn’t a dead fish either. I don’t let Keith sleep at all - I showed him what my bed could handle first, then the living room, back to the bedroom, you get the idea. I have to say, it was just what the doctor ordered and although we’ve been quasi friends for a while, there were no emotions involved and the next morning was fine. We had lunch and he made his way back to 95 South and headed home.

I showered and grabbed a Gatorade and prepared to sit on my couch all day then remembered I hadn’t checked my phone in a while and wanted to let my friends know I was feeling better - that was when I got the message that dear princess was flying high and no longer suffering. I also had 17 voice-mails from Adam and 35 texts - the texts were all insulting and bullshit so I didn’t even waste my time reading them - I deleted the entire thread he sent over 6 hours. I started to delete the voicemails and for some reason listened to one - it said “Hi Honey, I’m just calling to see if you needed anything, please call me back and let me know what I need to do for you, I LOVE YOU.” WHAAAAT - - THE - - FUCK?! whoah

Now, in a matter of one day I was propositioned to flash a camera to end an engagement, introduced as someone’s wife, had a conversation about family planning, cried in public, left with and fucked another guy then got told in a voicemail I was loved by America’s favorite stalker - shit, if that’s not making the most of every day, I don’t know what is!

Point of the conversation: Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much - but not too much like Adam, people get restraining orders served for shit like that.

- Scarlett

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