02 September 2011

My One-Night Stand with Irene

So my weekend of continuous research for the greater good being found in the opposite sex (at least in our respective birthday suits after too many libations) last weekend did not happen thanks to a big gigantic mess of a bitch known to many as Irene. Instead of ripping some unsuspecting B list guy’s clothes off shoving him up against the window fogging it up from heavy breathing; I was busy moving anything breakable away from the window. Instead of getting all steamy in the shower with a hot guy telling me I’m way better than the Irish Spring commercials could ever advertise (you laugh, it’s happened, people say strange shit in the moment – yourself included ;-) I was filling buckets in the bath tub in case I didn’t have access to running water for an unquantifiable period of time.

I had an entire weekend lined up with crazy awesome fun with random groups of people; it just takes one natural disaster to screw that up. So I did what everyone else on the east coast was doing – throwing back a few drinks at home, watching the news and looking out the window waiting for the inevitable – oh and lest we forget, I was keeping up on everyone’s facebooking. For some new couples, this was a test of how they could tolerate each other under duress – most of my friends fared well in that aspect, there were a few who totally hated each other by the time the tornado warnings were issued and they wanted no parts of sharing the bathtub or doorway together in the event of the funnel cloud touchdown. You also had the people swearing the locusts were coming and this was the end of the world as we know it, so to go all REM on you, I feel fine lol. Drunk pictures started getting posted and the drunk texts started flowing in to my inbox - this was as good as my substitute entertainment was going to get and I was okay with that.State of emergency was issued, evacuations were under way and we were told to prepare to be without power for up to two weeks – thank God my ipod, phone and laptop were good and charged up but most importantly, I have enough hard liquor to drink myself into hibernation if need be! I started to think about natural disasters and other such events I have lived through, where I was in life geographically and then I focused on the times I was going through something like this with someone else in the house. I paused on a memory of a blizzard many years ago when I was living with the one I refer to as the ex – husband. Every time there’s the potential for some kind of shut in experience, the preparation is always the same, you go to the store and stock up on the essentials: Trojans, Booze and snacks – we went so far as to get sterno’s to make smores indoors if the power went out and we wanted to be all disgustingly cute feeding them to each other. We topped off our bare necessities procurement with a trip to Blockbuster because back then people still rented movies. Sounds like perfection doesn’t it? Well it’s all fun and games until you really are stuck for days with someone who by day 3 has managed to make the act of breathing annoying and you realize that you can relate to people who smother a pillow on someone’s face.

I love snow, always have, always will. Keeping up with shoveling the driveway and keeping the cars clean was the first order of duty when the snow started to accumulate. I don’t mind this part because who doesn’t love to play in the snow? You’re never too old for snow angels; I was making them on my deck this past winter. Snowball fights are also fun, so long as you make snowballs and not ice balls. Anyway, back to the aforementioned blizzard, the ex-husband and I had a good system going with the snow removal outside, then we’d go inside and defrost and do that whole cuddle on the couch thing and watch a movie which always turned into sex - the movie had its climax and so did we. So yes, by the third day of this full proof system, the novelty had worn off. I was still out there fighting the good fight against the snowflakes falling at rapid speed on our cars and sidewalk, he was busy inside taking a nap before bed and every time I’d go outside to shovel, I’d wonder how bad the conditions really were on the road, could I go for a drive, could I see any other blessed persons face? I actually had to use the phrase that I was in fact too tired for sex by day 4 – that’s tragic on so many levels, was I really too tired or too disgusted by the lazy ass beached whale sitting on the couch while I’m trying to find the heat patches for my back? Could I get away with ‘falling asleep on the couch’ because I was so tired but really didn’t want to lay next to him in bed because I was achy and as a result tossing and turning and he was busy snoring away. By the 5th day, the cold war was over and we were back on speaking terms just in case we were the only person to see the other alive again since the storm pretty much shut down our part of town for the better part of a week. This also coupled with my bitch fueled exhausted rage induced rant on how as much fun as I was having scrubbing the shower, bleaching the bathroom, disinfecting the kitchen, doing the laundry, shoveling the snow etc, (anything that was not in the room he was in to spare what was left of my sanity) this was far from a walk in the park and the least he could do if we had to continue to exist under the same roof was not take a nap before bed and then expect me to rub his shoulders because all the time sitting on the couch was making his poor atrophied muscles ache.

I didn’t let myself spend too much time revisiting this chapter of memory lane over the weekend though as some things really are best left in the past. But I did have to wonder how so many people get knocked up during natural disaster scenarios because even the best couple has their limits before you really just grate on the other person’s nerves to the point where you’d rather be anywhere else with anyone else.

I didn’t get much sleep last Saturday night thanks to the uninvited house guest Irene; she kept me up all night. The rain and winds were SO loud, I kept checking to make sure nothing was leaking and no trees had fallen on my car. The news was starting to show the devastation further south and reporters were interviewing people who had lost everything but were so thankful to still have each other and I started to think, would that ever be me? If I lost everything, would I still be thankful to have ‘someone?’ As I was going through the motions again of the house check, I was totally loving the sound of silence – there was no person on my last nerve, no one breathing too loud, no one asking me to get them something from the kitchen after I just sat down. Not to say I don’t think there isn’t a person I’d want to be stuck with so I could love, hate then love them again over the course of a natural disaster, but I know with 100% certainty, I have not met that person yet but hurricane season isn’t over yet so maybe there’s still hope – well of at least scoring a tornado in the bedroom with some guy who wants to show me his storm shelter – that I would be all about ;-)

Point of the Conversation: If you are a serial relationship person or you are trying to figure out if you are currently with ‘the one’ – ask yourself, if you lost everything you had worked your life for, would you still be thankful you had that person? If not and you just want someone to fuck until the storm passes, look me up ;-)

- Scarlett

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