05 August 2011

Eternal Date with a Narcissist

Two summers ago I was out with a few friends at a bar that had recently come under new ownership so we went to scope out the scene. There is an upstairs portion that is supposed to give the vibe of a sports bar and downstairs is supposed to be more like a trendy lounge – I felt this was an odd dynamic but was still curious. We set up shop upstairs because there was a great drink special, a baseball game was on and plenty of tables to sit at. I started to notice a guy staring at me from the bar in a way that I thought perhaps we had known each other from somewhere but I couldn’t figure out where – don’t you hate that? Did I work with you, did I wake up next to you, did my friend wake up next to you? This went on for about 4 rounds of drinks and he finally comes over and starts talking to me, in hindsight, I wish he didn’t. As we are talking, I am definitely feeling the effects of the copious amount of drinks I had consumed. He seemed fine enough at the time and before I know it, I’m being pulled away from my friends to the downstairs portion of the bar with him. My friends are really no help when this happens and often are the ones encouraging these specimens of douchery to come home with me; they feel like I had a lot of time to make up for after surviving a dead end relationship for nearly 7 years haha. We’ll just fast forward to when the Narcissist as I refer to him (because that is how he referred to himself and because he is) ends up at my house later that night. We went at it a few times and I’ll give it to him, he wasn’t all bad, not in the top 5 but not in the bottom 5 either. He did inform me that he spent a lot of time watching himself in the mirror above his bed and ‘studying’ highlights on youporn.com to perfect his moves. I wasn’t really sure what to do with that information so I sort of ignored it and rolled over to sleep off the post drunken workout I had just had. The morning romp took a turn for the bizarre though. He incessantly asked why I wasn’t married with children. I informed him that I wasn’t really thinking about any sort of relationship as I was still detoxing from the near 7 year mishap and as for kids, I never saw them in my life. Enough of the small talk, we go at it again like teenagers on prom night and then I tell him I have things to do so I’d see him later. I wasn’t expecting to hear from him again as I made it a point not to give out my digits; however during the drunken make out at the bar, he had taken my phone and called himself so he had already stored my number. I have a new phone now that is always on password protect as a lesson learned from this incident.

Later that week after several rounds of back and forth texts, he met up with my friends and I at a martini bar because he had done the damn leave behind of his dress shirt so we were meeting so I could return it. I met a few of his friends and they seemed fine enough. Eventually he ends up back at my place and we are all a go for round two. He kept feeding me stupid lines of crap about how I was different from all the girls he usually hangs out and how he would be so good for me for a myriad of reasons all pertaining to how is he is basically the alpha and omega of existence…. whatever, I just wanted his pants off and his mouth shut. We go for a walk and coffee the next morning and I was supposed to be meeting friends that night as it was now Saturday so I was thinking we’d part ways after the coffee. He follows me back home and sort of sets up shop on my couch, okay I could deal with him I guess. We started watching Night at the Roxbury by his request and I start asking him about his job, he didn’t have one. Okay well the economy is tough so maybe he had been laid off or something. He did inform me several times he was college educated and did a lot of journal writing which I was now becoming part of – um creepy but okay. So I go back to the no job thing, asked what kind of work he wanted to do in case I knew anyone that was hiring. He informed me that he would rather make a career out of suing people and was successful with one major lawsuit already. WHAT?!?!? Wow, I thought he was joking, he totally wasn’t. Then he talked about how he was too good for his family so he considers himself not really having any – oh so very much wrong with this. I tried again to sort of nudge him out the door then he suggested he’d buy me lunch. He was insisting he be the one to take my on the first ‘first date’ I have had in 9 years. I was making it a point to drive home the fact that I wasn’t looking for any type of relationship because he was bored, he was on the hunt for a lady friend. Aside from him ignoring my statements of fact of not wanting to be anyone’s bitch in waiting, he wasn’t the first ‘first date’ in 9 years I will tell you that much, but I’ll let him think that he was, it’s just easier. We got to lunch thinking again it may be easier to get him to leave from a restaurant then my place. This plan was foiled after he came back to my place. I know I should have been more forceful with the situation, I think part of me was just in a kind of ‘what the fuck is going on’ mode. This marathon date went on for 14 very long hours. I sent out every form of SOS to my friends that I could and they all thought he was nice and I should go with it. I started drinking for lack of a better thing to do and before you know it, we’re back in my bedroom. Things in that department at this point were not even worth the preceding almost 14 hours of bullshit when all of a sudden, he asks me if I want him to take the condom off and ‘fill me up with his baby batter.’ WHAT THE FUCK?! I have never pushed someone away so fast in my life. WHO SAYS THAT? First of all NO because I play it safe and second, hello we had a very in depth conversation about how my biological clock came without batteries and I am not having kids and I want no parts of being connected to you any longer than necessary! I told him he better go and was very VERY forceful this time. He leaves, I shower and want to burn my sheets but instead just through them in the washer immediately. I started to clean up the empty beer bottles and when I go to put them in the trashcan, I see a small bottle of Jim Beam – okay I don’t drink that but the Narcissist does, he apparently washed down some anti-anxiety meds & sleeping pills with the whole bottle! This would explain why the last round of throws of passion was more like trying to get your jaw numb before having major dental work done. When I go to put the trash bag outside in the can, I see two other bottles from when he was over the first time earlier that week. Damn, so you travel with your own hooch when going out to the bar? I later found out that he in fact is ‘that guy’ at 36 years old and will bring his own alcohol to a bar, order a soda saying he is the designated driver to try to get it for free, go to the bathroom and fill it up with his concealed bottle. I guess that career of lawsuits for income wasn’t as lucrative as he had hoped.

He started texting me constantly that he needed to see me and take me out for my birthday. I was leaving the country for my birthday anyway which was quickly approaching. I saw him one more time the night before I was leaving and informed him that he needed to just move on. I should disclaimer that he was not invited to where I was but apparently he assumed that is where I would be, I must have said something in my prior drunken stupors. He shows up with a card he got for fifty cents at the dollar store, he showed me the receipt as if I were to reimburse him. It was written in barely legible writing and was supposed to be his best attempt at pouring his heart out to me, no lie – he stole the lyrics to a Savage Garden song and tried to pass it off as his own. I order a shot and a strong drink – he does the same three times and stiffs me with the bill. I felt I had ended things as best I could and was ready to leave the country with a clear mind. He called and texted the week I was away continuing into the week I got back. He also started texting me pictures he had taken on his phone of pictures I have up in my bedroom when I was in the bathroom the first time he stayed over. Holy fucking creepy!!!

I wasn’t sure at this point what to do, change my number? I didn’t have enough for an order of protection but definitely felt like I wanted one. Since he had no job he had nothing to do but lurk and create problems for me! Eventually he stopped reaching out after a few weeks of telling me to fuck myself for making him feel feelings and then acting cold. I never told him that he melted my Grinch heart and made it grow 3 sizes but then again, there is no rationalizing with the Narcissist.

I saw him about a year later walk into a bar I was at, he was wearing a trench coat during an August heat wave, 2 bottles of Beam in his pocket and told me that I had gotten fat and ugly – I was actually about 10 lbs thinner at this point, but whatever – he’s a narcissist and I just let him do his thing because I am not the one who went off and joined the trench coat mafia. He told the bartender all about how I left him to go out of the country and never called back and he thought we were going to have kids together blah blah blah. I paid my check and walked out as he was telling the Russian bartender how he was planning on moving to California because this east coast bullshit was not good enough for him. I hope he made good on that. I don’t necessarily have a ‘type’ I’m looking for, but I know this particular Narcissist is definitely NOT it.

Point of the conversation: If you find yourself in a face off with a narcissist – run otherwise you run the risk of being covered in baby batter lying on a trench coat smelling like Jim Beam and that is never an acceptable way to end your night/start your day.

- Scarlett

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