31 July 2011

Boys and the Internet

Remember in the early 2000’s, when the biggest problem with boys and the internet was them giving your computer all kinds of viruses due to the ungodly amount of porn they were watching? Well now it’s progressed into something worse, something I like to call internet dating. Even as I type the words I can hear glass shattering and babies crying. The whole Idea is really just terrible. To me it just screams “why go out there and get some real human interaction, when I can sit behind this glowing screen and still get what I want?” It disgusts me.

A couple of months ago, I did something I hadn’t done in a long time… I logged on to my plenty of fish account and got to work. Ever since I moved to the west coast I have never seen so much activity on my page before. I had boys of all types trying to get with me and to tell you the truth, it made me feel good. After all these years of being alone, people were finally interested in me. I find it more pathetic the more I type. Anyway, as I was weeding out of the boys who didn’t really want to get to know me, I met him. He was tall and beautiful. He had a creamy beige skintone to match his dreamy almond shaped brown eyes.

Alright, I know I came off like I didn’t want to be vain, but the man was gorgeous. And he was only 23 which was much more suitable for a nineteen your old then the creepers in their forties. We talked for weeks about simple things; we never went too deep in details. He was one of those guys you hoped might be the one to “snag you up.” He was looking for a relationship and so was I, he had never been in a relationship and neither had I, and so on and so forth. It was like the heavens were all align. So I gave him my number and told him to text me when he woke in the morning. He immediately texted.

We talked for hours and hours and for days and days, nothing ever got old. I would wake up and could barely contain myself when I’d see two simple words “good morning”; the feeling was something I cannot put into words. I wanted to know everything about him. I thought that it was something real, and then it happened.

One night while we were talking about a month into it, he asks if he can come over to my house and spend the night “just as friends”. Red flag anyone? Immediately I made up a story about roommates as to why he couldn’t come. I asked him what he might expect to come out of it, had I said yes. He replied with “simply a kiss”. And my heart went pitter-pat. He went on to tell me that all he wants to do is show me respect, care for me and that he didn’t want to just hook up with me with. “Heart be still” I told myself, everything was all too perfect.

After a couple more weeks of continuous texts, emails and instant messages, it came, the sex talk. Nothing to hardcore but let’s face it, we are young and pretty, it’s going to happen. Now before I go any further I’d like to take a moment just tell all of you, I am not a whore although I have my moments. I am comfortable with my sexuality and my body. So with that being said this next part shouldn’t be too shocking.

Before I knew it, things were getting hot and heavy, words like hard, cock and cum were being thrown around like it was a dirty film from the 80’s. Instead of just talking about sex and swapping stories, this kid wanted to take it a step further. I gave him three options, one: to log off and watch porn, two: just forget about it and continue talking, and of course the trick option, three: Skype with me. I mean if he really respected me he pick the first ones right?

In about half a millisecond He told me he was logging onto Skype and would be waiting for me there. Best ways to never get what you want from a man: Step one, poor judgment, by that I mean to allow your bodies desire control your mind. I gave a quick peek around my shoulders to be sure I was alone and jumped on Skype. This is a boy I had never met in the flesh yet I am getting quite intimate with him via webcam, see anything wrong with that picture? Now granite I could’ve said no and walked away with my head held high but I just wanted to let loose and have fun, poor judgment.

The next day while we were texting, I was telling the bff about the event of the night before. She was not so thrilled. She believes that I deserve more than that, true. And she kept bringing up all the times he said he liked me and how he was looking for a boyfriend. She just couldn’t wrap her had around how backwards all of this was, true and neither could I. I got that feeling of shame and embarrassment that you get when your mom walks in on you masturbating. So I decided to ask him what all of that meant last night. I told him we had been talking for a long time and were moving at a snail’s pace and then BAM! We are doing some dirty skyping? I just wanted to know if he wanted to be with me or if he was just using me. It seemed like all the boy could say was “I understand”. What the fuck does that mean, my friend and I wondered.
Seriously, he wasn’t answering any of my questions. I felt cheap and stopped talking to him after basically being told he didn’t want me. Then he texted and told me I was moving too fast, that I should quit trying to label things and we would see what happens. I couldn’t believe my eyes, was he serious? Did I miss something? All I could do was cry.

Step two, allow yourself to be played. Later on that night my friend wanted to see what he looked like, so she asked me to look him up on facebook. I proceeded to tell her that he didn’t have one, I mean he everytime I asked him for it he would say things like “I don’t use facebook”. So it leaves thinking you he doesn’t have one right? Once again my friend wasn’t having it; she made some very legit points about it being the twenty-first century and whatnot. So I searched him, only to find the inevitable, he was lying. Infuriated I must have smoked thirty cigarettes, no boy had ever made me feel this way. So I hopped on AIM on gave him a surprise attack but instead of apologizing he pointed the finger at me. He told me something along the lines of “I never said that I didn’t have one, I just said that I don’t use facebook”, oh the shame. He actually almost made feel crazy.

Step three, lose all self respect, oh and I did. That weekend I decided to go out with some friends I had met recently. The local eighteen and up gay club was hosting some contestants from RuPual’s Drag Race for a pj party they were throwing. So I got dressed up in the sluttiest thing I owned, a pair of batman underwear. Anyway to make long night short, I got totally wasted, made out with literally everyone around me, hit on the straight bathroom attendant, and got kicked out for fucking a girl in the hallway. Later I found out I wasn’t even in there for an hour. So the next day after work I received a text from none other than the dreamy lying Latino, I decided not to acknowledge it. But after the weekend I just had I was feeling pretty low about myself. And what do boys do when you are feeling low? They make you sink lower. We started talking again just friendly chatter really, until last night. We went right back to the middle. For reasons I’ll never know, I skyped with him again. I went numb and allowed myself to be that piece of meat hanging in the window at your local butcher shop. Somewhere between the beginning and the end, I lost sense of who I was. And what’s really got me, is he hasn’t said anything to me since. I did it to myself but my heart still hurts.

Point of the conversation: There’s nothing wrong with internet dating if you have your head sewn on tight. But for the majority of us, you’re screwed. There’s so many other ways to find a guy that really cares. All of these gay bars and clubs, chat rooms and dating sites. It’s just another way for people to get used and hurt. My advice would be to delete that shit, be yourself and love will find you. I don’t really know when nor do I know how, but I do know it will. And above all never lose sense of who you are and where you are going in life to please others.

- Joho

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