01 July 2011

Birthday Booty

In honor of it being that time of year for me to celebrate surviving another 365 I am reflecting on birthday’s past and the game of memory has landed on two years ago…For my 30th I went to my favorite club in the city – went all out, bought a hot red dress, went to MAC and had my makeup did – all in the name of defying age. We get there and are having a great time and I see a chic who had toilet paper on her shoe so I tell her immediately which means we are bff for life and it turns out she owns a club in D.C. that I had been pepper sprayed at a few months prior – she actually knew the incident I was talking about and started buying me drinks to compensate by throwing down $100 bills like they were monopoly money and she was ready to buy up Board Walk, Park Place and Marvin Gardens. She eventually leaves for the night and I’m back on the dance floor with my girls and I lock eyes with Andy. Andy was a little taller than I am and had been rockin his 5 o’clock shadow for a few days but whatever, he was cute enough and it was my birthday, I had an agenda.

We start the drunken make out where we think no one else exists in the world; meanwhile there are a few hundred people around us probably telling us to get a room. Andy said he was in the business of broadcasting live streaming porn and was making a killing - at first I’m thinking um okay whatever but then thought he might be fun to play with in a non missionary sort of way so we make our way back to my house – all the details in between are hazy due to my quasi open bar from DC chippy so they must not have been that interesting or else I would have at least had foggy recollection or photographic evidence.

We make our way to the bedroom and all I can say is holy glass shattering – I was expecting an explosive night of sex not a night that I felt like I needed to take out a popup book instruction manual of what was supposed to be happening and educate my elder. I suggested he started taking more of a vested interest in his business to pick up a few tips. I let him stay over because I was too tired to tell him how to get home and sometimes it is nice just to have someone to sleep next to. I figured I would have no regrets about what happened, just wish it was a little more satisfying until I woke up to Andy masturbating in my bed… Seriously? What a waste of an erection but even his methodology of self pleasure looked questionable at best. I was going to show him a thing or two about how to master his blaster, grease his pole, spank his monkey etc etc etc but since it was my birthday and not his, he was not privy to the touch and feel of Scarlett.

I saw Andy about a year and a half later when I was out for a bachelorette party and I had already sunk my lips into another victim but that is another story for another time. Andy wasn’t looking too hot and his formerly almost sexy 5 o’clock shadow looked more like 25 o’clock and he was going the route of the Super Size me challenge. I saved him the embarrassment of acknowledgment as I watched him strike out with a group of girls out for a 21st bday and a few girls in another bachelorette party. I do hope he’s brushed up on his skills or at least advertised a different day job that wouldn’t lead someone to think he’s all that and a dvd box of porn.

Point of Conversation: Sometimes it’s more satisfying to focus all your efforts the open bar, at least you know your martini won’t masturbate vodka all over you although the morning after - might be a good way to start the day though if it did ;-)

- Scarlett

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