08 July 2011

America's Birthday Bling


How old is too old to be wearing your high school/college class ring? Chances are if you’re reading this, you’re too old. I was out celebrating America’s birthday totally jet lagged and a bottle of champagne in when my friends and I decided to take our show on the road from the apartment to the bar. I live in a part of the city that draws a HUGE crowd on America’s birthday because of the fireworks display and other all day entertainment. This is a day when everyone who lives within 2 hours of the city that isn’t down at the shore or an actual center city resident tries to be a local – with that flocks the douches and assholes.

I had just ordered a beer; inside the bar wasn’t too crowded since most people were congregated outside taking in the people watching and occasional firework, despite it still being light out. I immediately noticed 2 guys who I could just tell were going to be annoying and I definitely wasn’t drunk enough for that. Within a hot second, specimen number 1 walks over – I only know him as Asshole since I refused to learn his name and I get stuck wing-manning it up with his friend whom I referred to as Mr. E-Harmony because that is the only way he MIGHT be able to find love. Mr. E-Harmony is not someone I’d want on my resume not so much for the lack of his being aesthetically pleasing but because he was spewing insecurity and douchiness – and there was the matter of his gigantic class ring…

What Mr. E-Harmony went on to talk about was the wonder that was himself and how he’s 37 and a really great guy but if he doesn’t find a woman soon, he’s going to get a puppy so he has someone to love him when he gets home to his apartment in the suburbs– yeah this is NOT my type at all. I keep chugging my beer and order fries because why not. I stop him as he starts his next bout of pontification and ask what his ring is all about. It’s his undergraduate class ring and quite possibly the largest collegiate bling I have ever seen – the pope would be jealous. He felt that because he went to a superior university, it should always be worn. I went to college nearby and the ‘university’ Mr. E-Harmony attended basically allows admission based on mommy and daddy’s bank account, not any actual academic cred.

Mr. E-Harmony decides to relocate to the opposite end of the neighborhood – away from all the action – dumbass on his part but I was happy for the reprieve of his horrid existence. Asshole was still talking to my friend so we do shots to honor America, Lady Liberty, the fact that it was Monday – you get the idea. Asshole starts asking me when I’m going to hook up with his friend. I inform Asshole that I am not going to put that shithead on my resume of conquests because I have standards and he should appreciate the fact that I’d rather see his friend happy in love with his internet woman than on the other side of my Sealy Posturepedic. This discussion goes on for what seems like hours although was probably more like 45 eternal minutes. We relocate outside and Asshole is still being douchy to my friend and annoying me about his buddy – he was so annoying strangers actually asked him to go away! How are you so annoying that you get kicked out of outside?! Well he was! I finally get tired of this game of bullshit balderdash and decide I need to head home. I tried to get my friend to go with me so she could avoid Asshole but she was too far into black out city to understand the repercussions of staying with him.

I got a text from my friend the following morning that shocker, Asshole blew up her phone with insults and degrading comments. She responded informing him that he was an asshole with a few other colorful adjectives – he then asked her for a date this week.

Thankfully these two ‘failure at life’ specimens don’t come around too often but I feel like when they do, I need to have brass knuckles ready so I can trump the omega class ring creature!

Point of the conversation: Real men don’t need to wear jewelry bigger than their family jewels. Should you encounter this phenomenon, you’re better off just walking away before he tries to drop the “Is your father a thief? No? Than who stole the star to put the diamonds in your eye?” only in this case, the diamonds will be in his ring and no respectable mans ring would ever outshine the size or glow of the moon.

- Scarlett

1 comment:

  1. I still wear my college ring and plan to, but it doesn't look like one at all. It looks more like an engagement ring (which I always wonder if it stops guys from talking to me even though it's on my right hand). But I'm also the first person to graduate from college in my family so it's extra special to me.

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