24 June 2011

Hoover

So I was on facebook recently and noticed some activity between old college roommates which got me reminiscing so I busted out the old photo albums when we still used rolls of film and had pictures developed. The one album I was perusing was from the end of the fall semester junior year and all the frat pledges had survived hell week and done their respective ritual down at The River so it was back to roommates’ boyfriends’ apartment for a party celebrating their official brotherhood because naturally now they all loved each other after months of disrespect and torture. As usual, Dave Matthews was playing on repeat and the incense was burning and somewhere boyfriend was off talking about the true meaning behind the Civil War, standard minutia for his parties, well that and the fact that they were never fun. I had worked a 14 hour catering shift and was exhausted so after a few cups of mediocre jungle juice, was ready to call it a night and head home but I ended up talking to ‘Hoover’ until the wee hours of the morning when exhaustion and intoxication took over and it seemed like the thing to do. I bet our imprints are still on that couch because of how long we were in the same make-out position that night. I excused myself at one point to go to the bathroom and wanted to investigate why my lips were suddenly in terrible pain. I started to examine by pulling my lower lip down and OMG I was bleeding – that fucker bit me so hard when he was trying to do that ‘suck on your bottom lip’ maneuver that he actually drew blood!!!!!! Hoover wanted to take the show on the road back to his place but in the interest of not wanting my body treated like a dogs chew toy and end up looking like a crime scene, I declined and went to get some ice for my battle wound.

Hoover attempted a few more times to re-enact the scene of T.C. Apartments but as far as I was concerned, that war of the mouth to mouth was over and the respective parties retreated to neutral grounds never to encounter each other again.

Several years later, I had to run into a Toys R Us to get a gift for my god-son’s birthday and I had my boyfriend of the time with me who also went to the same college. Turns out, that 4 year degree landed Hoover a job as a cashier at that very Toys R Us. I began to tell my now ex-boyfriend of the Hoover story and we all had a good laugh before I blatantly blew off Hoover and he went slumping back to the electronics section while I continued making my purchase. Not long after that, I read in the Daily News that Hoover was drunk driving and smashed into a cop car then tried to drive away, he was now serving time in jail. He better not showcase that biting maneuver on his fellow inmates if he knows what’s good for him.

Point of the Conversation: The wise artists of C&C Music Factory taught us that the proper thing to do is ‘hit the dance floor it's gonna make you sweat till you bleed,’ not kiss someone until they bleed. If you find yourself in your own Vampire Diary, leave immediately if not sooner, unless you want your romp session to leave you looking like a bad Law & Order SVU episode and bitch please, no one wants that.

- Scarlett

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