10 June 2011

Ginger Snap

The rumors are true, I have a thing for red heads and have been known to like gingers who are douchy and wrong for me in every possible way but they have red hair so I overlook the obvious writing on the wall and continue with full-on lust. This red headed swoon even occupied two years of my high school crush phase - nothing like homeroom with a hot red head to get your day started right, even if he was a dick. Two years ago I was out at my favorite watering hole and I started talking to a red head, not exactly the shade of red I swoon for, but red enough I could work with it. Zachery and I hit it off enough to exchange digits, I think . . . yes, I’m pretty sure we exchanged digits – this is hazy due to the copious amounts of libations I consumed that night topped with a sugary rim of butterflies in my stomach, a feeling I don’t often get.

A few nights later, I was out in another part of town and pitchers of beer were the special, so I thought it a good idea to order pitchers, for myself. As the night progressed and my sobriety had long since left me, I gracefully started chugging from the pitcher not wanting to dirty a plastic solo cup. During this bender, I met Aaron – he was an absolute ass from the start. Somehow in my intoxicated state of existence, I managed to mentally mix up the contact info for Aaron and Zachery – this was atrocious at best. Over the next few days of cell phone assault, I was flipping out at Aaron because he was texting me nastiness and bullshit, at the time I was thinking he was Zachery since I actually do NOT recall giving my number to Aaron, but I do have a friend who loves to give it out on my behalf which, after the fact, I learned is what happened

Later that week, I ran into Zachery at the same watering hole we met at. He came over to talk to me all sweet as pie as if nothing had happened, so naturally I unleashed Pandora’s box of "Mean Girls" on him – he had no idea what I was talking about. I bust out my phone to show him the barrage of horrid nasty-grams and Zachery informed me that that wasn’t his number – which I clearly disputed, until he took out his phone and called me from it. Okay so I won’t admit to being wrong about this snafu, I was simply a little less correct than usual LOL. Then I brought up the issue of me not hearing from Zachery so who does he think he is that he can ask for my number and not use it, this was actually all playful banter at this point. Zachery then goes on to say that he wants to show me that he is not the super douche that I had been walking around all week thinking he was so I take him home and let him show me what he’s got. Zachery is a few years younger so I was expecting a virile stallion of sorts, not a waste of an erection and condom. His moves were tolerable at best but when he asked me how I liked his fire crotch thrusting into me, I felt my libido exit stage left. I can entertain pillow talk with the best of them but this just did not tip my sexual canoe. I excused myself from the boudoir and went out onto the deck, if I smoked, I’d have had a carton to try to get my satisfaction somehow. Zachery came out a few minutes later and tried being all snuggly and talking about his sister recently getting married but it’s okay because she’s old and needs to settle down, know your audience dude – she is younger than I am! He then asked if I was ready for another go and it was then I wished I had gone to his place instead of bringing him home to mine so I could have bolted home and washed the fire crotch off of myself, but he had a house full of roommates and dogs so I thought my solo living space was the better option. Next time, I’ll take my chances with fido and the rat pack since it at least comes with a sure-fire exit plan. I told Zachery he should probably be going and if he played his cards right; he could head back to the bar and try to find a "Ms. In the Mean Time" to get his fire crotch thrusting on with because I was not taking applications for a part time lover of his particular skill-set at this time.

The universe must have been looking out for me with this situation because after a few more "at a distance" encounters, Zachery fell off the face of the earth and I resumed my love of the red head still hoping to find the right fire crotch Excalibur to replace the memory of whatever that Zachery situation was and I’m sure he’s out there - as long as I have a pulse, I’ll keep ‘that guy’ on my radar.

Point of the Conversation: be careful what you ask for, it might land you in a face-off with a fire crotch.

- Scarlett

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