06 May 2011

Jason Appleseed

I try to make it a habit of not dating anyone connected to my friends or family; I don’t always listen to my own advice and end up regretting it but part of this mantra started when I met ‘Jason Appleseed’. Junior year of college, I was home during the summer and planned on meeting up with some high school friends. Their work was hosting a day at a local theme park; they were encouraged to bring friends and family and I was asked, so I accepted the invite. Jason Appleseed and I were carpooling together with mutual friends. We chit chatted throughout the day and exchanged email addresses (this is before the days when we all had cell phones). He was going to grad school not too far away from where I was going to undergrad and we talked about hanging out when we went back to school in the fall, I wasn’t feeling the swoon but was happy about the prospect of someone else to hang out with nearby.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving time – we had been in touch through email and talked once in a while but hadn’t seen each other since the summer and had agreed to his invite of dinner and a movie. My roommates had left a few days earlier to go home for the holiday so I had the apartment to myself. Jason Appleseed shows up, now I’m not that girl that requires you bring candy or flowers, I’d settle for a six pack of beer if you’re really trying to win me over but a plastic bowl of granny smith apples is NOT something I’m expecting. Yes, Jason Appleseed hands me a bowl of apples with the explanation that flowers are over rated and he remembered me saying in the summer that I like fruit. WHAT?! Okay so I overlook the generous bounty from produce junction and we head to the movie theatre only to discover he looked at the wrong day for movie times and we missed the last viewing of the show we wanted to see - no big deal: we head to dinner. He told me he made reservations somewhere and wanted to surprise me, um last time I checked, you don’t make reservations at the local DINER but again, what do I know, I’m still single. He spent dinner talking about how smart he was, how great he’s doing at his job, how much money he was making and how much he planned to make in the next few years and how he wanted to get married immediately and have as many kids as he could afford. He lost me at how smart he was; smart people don’t bring fucking apples to give their college student date in an attempt to win them over – dumbasses do that! I retaliated the conversation by talking about how much fun I was having at frat parties and I never wanted to settle down and was quite pleased with the B+ I got on my last psych paper and was happy I wasn’t too hung over to go to work the weekend before. I quickly turned into "that girl" ordering cocktails at the diner and drank them as if I was rehydrating after a fortnight in the Sahara.

Against my better judgment, I invited Jason Appleseed in when he dropped me off and he went on and on about how he felt like he was coming down with a cold and had problems with people in communal living arrangements. I gave him an apple and sent him on his way.

I saw him a few years ago; he looked the same and was still single. I had just gotten a new haircut and was not about to waste my essence on this repeat offender, so I blew him off and acted like I never saw him. Rather than coming over to me and playing the whole "do I know you from somewhere" or "Scarlett, how are you; it’s been so long" he sends me an email time stamped 2:01 a.m.– first email he sent me in about 7 years. He asked if I had seen him at the bar and I looked like I was doing well. I chose the road of "you say it best when you say nothing at all" and did not re-open that boring ass Grey’s Anatomy book of communication. I am doing well, Jason Appleseed because I don’t start my day looking at your self-absorbed, germaphobic face while slicing-up fruit for your cereal before I pack lunches for our litter of children.

Point of the conversation: An apple a day may keep the doctor away but there are no promises about keeping bad dates away – bite Eve’s apple at your own risk.

- Scarlett

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thanks for your comment! Please 'follow" us by clicking on the "follow" link to the left of the site page. Glad you are reading.