19 May 2011

Blogging About a Broken Heart..... How Typical

For the people who actually read what it is I write; or for the people who are first time readers; or even for the abyss, virtual, nothingness all these words of mine free fall into:  today's post was "supposed" to be a continuation to the story of how me and my boyfriend first met. However, the funny thing about plans is, we never really fully prepare ourselves for the hidden variables. That is, I didn't take into consideration the possibility of us actually breaking up before I was able to finish it.

It took me a moment to decide whether or not my break-up would be something suitable for this blog. Yet after re-reading the tag, "A Blog About our Adventures in the Dating World: The Good, The Ugly and The Awkward," I figured this point in my life definitely suits the "ugly" category perfectly. To be honest I found myself, in so many occasions, seriously wanting to just cry my eyes out. To completely embody the role of a lover lamenting a withered and crumbled relationship, to be the basket case I've seen too many times on television. But, for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Logistically I did break up with him, so one would think since it was my decision, my lack of tears is understandable. However, this fact alone brings me absolutely no comfort. I don't feel brave and powerful, like people tell me I am. Actually on the contrary, I feel very much lost and scared. He was not only my first boyfriend, but the first man I've ever loved. The first PERSON I've ever truly loved, outside of the institution of family and friends for that matter. And I fear that this feeling I have in my gut is simply just a consequence of me allowing myself to be so open. I fear that me leaving the closet might have done more damage then good. And honestly, I do not know how to shake it.

Now, I could go down the list of what in fact went wrong. I could bash him and paint an ugly enough picture for you to be on my team. However, that is not why I am sharing this with you. I do not want your encouragement or pity. The reason I am sharing this with you is to help show that homosexuals don't at all "love differently" as I am often told by my mother. There is nothing different about the way we love. It is just as fucked up, misguided, and passionate as anyone else. We love with the same tears, the same heart-ache, the same loneliness. When a heart breaks, it shatters the same no matter what vehicle of orientation it dwells in. And even though right now I am hurting, and wishing I didn't have to make the decision I did. In my heart, I do know I loved for a reason. It wasn't just a waste of time like my mind is trying so desperately to trick me into believing. I know I will find someone else and I will love them, though not the same, just as, if not more passionately. And even with the break-up, I still love him. I still wish him the best; he's still constantly on my mind. The only difference is today I'm no longer lying to myself, right now we're just not meant to be.

This is a poem I wrote a couple of days ago. Just trying to help myself through the feelings I was having. Figured I'd share it.

The Morning After a Break Up

Take your waking slow.
Softly tap that snooze button
as many times
as you may need.

Let your body lie limp in the middle of your mattress.
Extend your arms.
Pull your linen sheets gently across your torso,
allow your bed to hold you.
To comfort you,
like they never could.

Recognize,
that this is simply one morning of many,
when you will find yourself,
head over heels in love enough
to be by,
yourself.
Remember,
that your heart was yours
long before you decided to loan it away.
There will no longer be a vacancy
in your chest
today.
All hollow cavities will be filled.

Ignore ALL the text messages.
Even the one's from your friends,
and especially the one's from your ex.
But do not delete them,
you may need a good laugh later.

Lie there in your bed,
and laugh.
Think of all the times they made you angry.
All the times they made you sad.
All the times they made you scream.

However, take the
tears
seriously.
In no way, shape or form
was that shit
ever funny.

STOP
anticipating their fucking phone call.
Grow a backbone.
You made this decision
now live with it.
You know the alternative.

Lonely by yourself,
is an easier pill to swallow.
Then lonely,
while with someone else.
You know this.
Wrote poems about the shit.

Quit wishing for them to change.
Begin to pray that it is YOU
that God changes.

Because,
when the moon comes,
and the mourning ends.
You will find
that your hands
are still drenched
with the blood
from the same son
it's always been.

And that there is in fact
Nothing,
Broken,
about you.

Point of the Conversation: When you find yourself loving someone so hard, to the point that
you lose yourself, It is time that you begin making changes.

-T.Wayne

2 comments:

  1. T. Wayne--thank you for sharing. I'm sorry for the pain you're going through, but it sounds like you made the right decision. Hang in there, hon.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Point of Conversation is 1,000% right on! chin up buttercup, this too shall pass xx

    ReplyDelete

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