01 April 2011

Irish Eyes, Drunk and Smiling

I love an Irish guy, I pretty much have found myself able to love any guy that’s not a total dick at introduction; although even they can be fun to play with when I’m in the mood for a challenge. A few winters ago, I was out at an Irish bar with a friend and there were two guys at a table next to us, weather was starting to get bad and snow was falling so I decided it was time I drove home. Of course this is when hot guy next to us decides to ask me why I’m leaving so soon – had I not become lost in his beautiful green eyes, I would have pointed out the snow falling rapidly on streets that never get treated, but instead my friend leaves and I pulled up a bar stool next to him and spent a few hours hanging out with Sean Patrick and his friend John.

Sean Patrick and I hit it off and it was awesome, we had so much in common and John was interjecting from time to time about his relationship problems. To quote John he ‘fucking loves the shit out of his girlfriend but doesn’t understand why she won’t just take it in the ass.’ Ahhh what every girl hopes her boyfriend will bring up in casual conversation to strangers at a bar… Things were going great and I was even getting closer to taking Sean Patrick up on his offer to wait out the snow storm at his house when he asked me if I had any tattoos which I do and he asked me how many kids I wanted and I said none. Kinda heavy conversation for the first few hours of meeting someone but whatever, I wasn’t looking for a husband just a little adult recess time. Things continue to go downhill when he informs me that I need to have my tattoo removed before we get married and I need to be open to having 4-8 children because our children would be the most beautiful kids ever. I decide it’s time to pack up my empty uterus and my body ink and head home. I made a quick trip to the bathroom and realize that Sean Patrick has pushed his way in to the bathroom and was pulling me out of the women’s room and into the stall in the men’s room – the toilet was royally clogged and someone definitely left their fecal business on display – holy erection killer! Sean Patrick was trying to set the mood and I’m sorry but I’m sober, it’s snowing, you like nothing about me and vice versa - although a piece of ass is always good, the smell of someone’s excrement is making me want to gag and so is Sean Patrick’s tongue shoved down my throat so far I feel like he’s able to tell what I had for lunch two weeks ago, not to mention the guys who kept coming in to piss and laughing when they saw 4 feet in the stall. I fought my way out of the men’s room and flew out of there annoyed that I was about to drive in horrible conditions for an actionless night with a dipshit who needs to go back to the days of yore and see how Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman feels about birthing a liter of children with her inkless body.

I never saw Sean Patrick again and was happy I had made it a point not to give him my digits, but I do still reference John’s mantra of ‘fucking loving the shit out of his girlfriend’ whenever I talk about fucking loving the shit out of anything like my ink, beer, not hitting traffic on the way home, my favorite song of the week – it’s a great phrase with many uses so if nothing else, I stole a new catch phrase but I feel as though I earned the right to call it mine after a 35 year old man tried to get it on with me in a shit filled bathroom after telling me I basically needed to become someone more like his mother and expected me to quietly comply (which goes against everything I stand for btw).

Point of the conversation: When Mother Nature offers you an out, you should take it immediately unless you are prepared to fucking love the shit out of the mistake you’re about to make.

- Scarlett

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