08 April 2011

Best Man Chandler

Ah the wonders of facebook…. My friend was getting married a couple years ago and she posted some pictures from the bachelorette party on her facebook page and then informed me that her soon to be husby’s bff (and best man at the wedding) was asking about me when he was looking at said pictures – I’m leery about getting involved with friends of friends but I figured I’d click on his profile and see what I was dealing with – oh holy bejesus, no no no I mean I’m sure he has a great personality but no – a few too many pictures in Dr. Seuss type outfits reading to children and when you’re in your 40’s your no longer cute, you’re kinda creepy especially when you don’t know any of the children. Best Man Chandler also had a background in the military and that’s one of three professions I avoid like the plague – I have the utmost respect for those who protect and serve but I have seen my own family destroyed by the aftermath of PTSD and the hell that war puts people through, you just never come home the same. I digress, I wasn’t getting that feeling of wanting to throw up from swooning, I was getting that nauseous red flag kind of feeling – I listened to my gut and did not encourage any type of contact info be exchanged with Best Man Chandler.

Fast forward to the wedding day – it was a monsoon so the couple is sure to be happy forever after right? We make our way to the reception hall and everything is beautiful. I wasn’t planning on drinking since I had to drive but decided a glass or two of wine would be fine. I order a glass of white wine (they were serving three choices for white) and as I take a sip and am talking to another friend and her mom, Best Man Chandler appears and hands me a glass of wine saying nothing and walks away, ummmm but I have a full glass so thanks I guess?! This continues for a while, Best Man Chandler had asked the bartender who served me originally what kind of wine I had ordered but at this point, I was just accumulating glasses and one thing I do not tolerate is wasting an open bar! I switched to diet coke before being seated but asked for it in a small tumbler glass so it appeared to be a mixed drink but Best Man Chandler would have no idea what I was drinking thus rendering him unable to continue to try to get me drunk. As I am seated and they are congregating the wedding party for introductions, he appears again with TWO glasses of white wine – seriously dude wtf, any other time I’d be all over the table service but you’re holding up the reception! At this point I tell my friends’ mom how I was informed that he was apparently planning on making a move and I wasn’t feeling it despite everyone telling me how great and funny and nice he was. It’s time for his toast and it will go down as quite possibly one of the worst wedding toasts of all times, I failed to find the humor and decided to make out with one of those glasses of wine he left for me since I at least was developing strong feelings of swoon for the vino.

I tried avoiding him throughout the night and finally, I had to respond to Mother Nature and hoped for the best as I made my way to the bathroom, out of nowhere he got in my face, shook my hand, introduced himself and informed me that we were going to dance the night away and it was going to be magical…. If by magical he meant I was going to pull a disappearing act and sneak out the side of the reception hall to avoid him than yes, that is exactly how this was going to play out! Several people were involved in operation Get Scarlett Out Unnoticed and I will be forever grateful to them for that. I’m usually not that girl but there was just something bothersome about this entire situation.

I left his facebook friend request pending for a good three months before accepting it, figuring that by then the dust had settled and I didn’t want to cause any drama among my newly married friends for not accepting the request. By now he was dating April and they seemed to be quite happy. Within a few months he was engaged to April! Wow, could this be another eharmony success story? A Kismet beginning that started with some sort of cosmic irony or twist of fate leading these two love birds together? Or was it that he knocked her up and he’s the sister of one of his best friends? Yes kids, that is the true answer, the ever after that I missed out on for pulling the standard card and listening to my gut. Word on the street is that he has no desire to actually marry her as he is still detoxing from and paying alimony for two prior failed marriages but who’s to say what someone else’s happily ever after should entail?

Point of conversation: not every girl at a wedding reception wants to become the next bride, sometimes it’s better to channel your inner fight or flight and treat the situation as a runaway bride, of course this is after putting a major dent in the open bar.

- Scarlett

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