14 April 2011

All Choked-Up

You know how it goes: it’s a weeknight, you’re single and refusing to watch reruns of Friends all night, so you meet up with actual friends in the city for dinner and drinks – you solve the world’s problems and you go home…. This is typically how Thursday nights are for me - at least I tell myself that as I’m buying a large coffee every Friday morning trying to function on minimal sleep. I digress, there was one Thursday night in particular where I was out – sitting at the bar with my friend next to a guy my grandfather’s age and he was drinking a glass of wine. I thought this was just the cutest thing and was excited to see him out still enjoying life boozing it up at a new trendy spot. I start chatting up grandpa and he was very nice (mind out of the gutter everyone, I’m not trying to be Anna Nicole and get all up in his last will and testament). Next thing I know, I’m being handed a note by the bartender from a guy sitting on the other side of grandpa. 

I open the note and it said: ‘he’s a little old for you don’t you think?’ Grandpa finishes his glass of Pinot Noir and heads home and I am left passing notes with this boy who will forever be known as Fetish Jake. After about 30 minutes of note passing, we finally start talking and our respective wing man/woman also seem to not be hating each other which is always a good sign. We end up leaving this bar and going to another hot spot and I wasn’t trying to make it Misbehavior Thursday but the world was paved with good intentions that never came to fruition right? Fetish Jake was a successful dime a dozen lawyer but we were having fun talking & making out – then he put his hand in my back jeans pocket which is not so much the rico suave move that makes me want to show you my birthday suit, but there are worse things so I just go with it.

Next thing I know, we’re back at his place which is beyond awesome and a level of expense per month that would have my college loans paid off in 3 months instead of 15 years. Vodka comes out of the freezer and meets my liver faster than he could get his pants off – which was pretty damn fast. We move into the bedroom and I’m not gonna lie, I was distracted momentarily by the amazing view of the city skyline – but then it was back to the matter at hand. We are in the throws of the moment and all is well, he rolls the condom on and we rock an intense round one - it’s amazing what an aphrodisiac a panoramic city view is from the 27th floor. We chug a gatorade to restore those electrolytes before going at it again and this time, Fettish Jake goes for a different drawer for the condom, this was a very large dresser drawer and he stands there and tells me to come over, so I walk over and am looking at his treasure trove of sex toys and lubricants - I have a friend who sells sex toys as a side gig, so I thought I had seen it all and there were things in that drawer that were even foreign to me - literally. I’m pretty adventurous to a point so he brings over a few of his favorites and although it wasn’t really getting me off, it was totally getting Fetish Jake off so I figured we’d just see where things went since round one of the romp session was good. We finish round two which was just so so for me on the Richter scale because I felt like he was trying too hard to seem like a porn star but who knows, maybe with some ginger ‘mentoring’ we could salvage this yet.

Fetish Jake takes this opportunity to inform me that he thinks we should get together on Tuesdays and Thursdays between 7-9 to fuck. I mean I like to know where my next piece of ass is coming from and when as much as the next hard up single person but I don’t want to schedule it like a freakin' appointment. We go for round three and now it’s getting into the wee hours of the morning and Fetish Jakes whispers that there was something he really wanted to try but was a little nervous to ask me, I asked him what and he proceeds to position his hand over my throat and asked me if I liked choking - he did not apply any pressure but that didn’t matter, I looked at him like the fucked up check-mark on my sexual resume that he was, got my clothes and bolted out of there. I have watched enough Law & Order episodes to know that my luck it would go awry and the local SVU would be woken from slumber to deal with my situation and I am NOT about to be ‘that girl.’ He must make a habit of this bait and choke move because the doorman did not seem surprised when I left abruptly and told him that I was sorry he had to earn his paycheck by keeping watch of the S&M dungeon of doom in penthouse form.

I never saw Fetish Jake again; I do see his wingman from time to time who is actually quite nice, even if he does get referred to by his friends as the terrorist. Turns out even the terrorist isn’t so much a fan of Fetish Jake – I can only wonder if Jake ever practiced his pressure points on him but as long as it’s not on me, I don’t care so much.

Point of the Conversation: Passing notes in school got you detention for disrupting the class, passing notes at the bar may land you in a choke hold – play time is best reserved for the recess yard. 

- Scarlett

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