24 March 2011

Vanilla Boy

There’s something about the first conquest after a breakup that is supposed to be redeeming – all that ‘lost time’ playing run the bases with new prospects. I had been in a very long term relationship which lasted longer than most people’s combined time for dating, marriage and divorce, lesson learned. I was out with a huge group of friends to see a cover band my one friend obsessed over – that’s when I met Vanilla Boy (it matches his personality). He seemed nice enough, offered to buy me a few cocktails and we rocked out to the band, all in all a good night – I didn’t leave with him but we did exchange digits to start the game of flirtatious texting.

As the texting continued in the days that followed after our meeting, I informed Vanilla Boy that I was going to be back on that side of town a couple weeks later for my friend’s little sisters 21st bday and invited him to the main event, he accepted. Once again, he was a good time, not overly interesting but a nice enough guy and after enough shots of tequila to think it was my 21st bday, I didn’t care about the mediocre conversation about his blazer and the rest of his wardrobe being from kohl’s, I wanted to see it on the floor.

Vanilla Boy and I finally make our way back to his house, he owned it but had a few roommates, none of whom were home. I walked into the living room and got a creepy feeling – his house was outfitted in professionally framed pictures from Virginia Tech complete with flags and other types of banners. This was not long after the massacre shooting down there and although Vanilla Boy was a graduate of that particular academic institution, it still made me sad to think about and a little creeped out. I was sitting in his kitchen drinking water from a solo cup and Vanilla Boy was finally ready to show me to his man chamber. If I though the Virginia Tech shrine was weird, I was definitely in for a rude awakening when I got to his bedroom. On the dresser were several books on how to talk to your cat, then several cats came out from under his bed – um okay Ace Ventura cat man! I kept looking around and on the credenza under his tv was a very ornate case that housed his Harry Potter book and wand collection.

We proceed with the mediocre action and I was thinking, damn so this is what it is to be single again huh? I feel like I walked into some sort of Hogwarts/Magic the Gathering legion of doom nightmare topped off by a night of bad sex and odd mood lighting sponsored by a Coldplay soundtrack. I survived the night with minimal cat hair on my clothes and the realization that it was okay to have standards again – which I was invoking effective immediately. I never responded to any bland communications from Vanilla Boy but was appreciative of the self worth I gained from that night.

Point of Conversation: Vanilla – it’s not just a flavor for your coffee, a type of birthday cake or a scent of lotion – it can also be used to describe an incredibly dull personality and when that’s the case – don’t expect the sex to be sultry and satisfying like a good piece of chocolate, spare yourself adding a checkmark on the sexual resume and go directly to Godiva for gratification.

- Scarlett

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