17 March 2011

Happy Saint Pat's

It isn’t every St. Patrick’s Day I’m mistaken for a whore for hire – but there was one year when this scenario became the runny icing on an already ruined cake kind of night. I was in Annapolis, MD with my group of closest friends ready to partake in the Luck O the Irish – my heart skips beats for redheads and others in the group had the same swoony love feeling for the guys in uniform from the Naval Academy so this seemed like the perfect choice for all of us to have the best chance at finding our respective cock of gold over the rainbow. On paper, it had the makings of a legendary night but as we all know, things on paper rarely translate as well when going through the motions.

The weekend started like all other road trips in the Daewoo rolling down Route 95 rocking out to a Nelly cd. Once down there, it was immediately time for car bombs and then commence bar hopping. I was salivating for the copious amounts of green beer being served at the first bar, even though it was Budweiser and I usually forbid myself from drinking such intestinal distress – this night, it was all for the cause. I was talking to the one guy in the group, Andy and I told him how I wanted to procure something St. Patty’s Day related from every bar we went to and he accepted this challenge. The first on the list was one of those cardstock shamrock shaped streamers that had a pint of Guinness pictured on it. Andy and I had it down to a science, he leaned me up against the wall, making it seem like we were having an intimate moment, ripped the shamrock off the wall and slid it up the back of my shirt – this plan was winning – until Anorexic Betty got in the way. I should sidebar for a minute and preface that Andy likes boys as much as I like boys and I assumed this was common knowledge, especially since Anorexic Betty grew up with Andy. Anorexic Betty starts shit with the rest of the group because apparently she was totally into him and was going to make her move that night and who did I think I was to get in her way. Clearly, I was the girl with a paper shamrock up the back of my shirt and I was about to see if she wanted to make something of it! Needless to say I went from buzzed to – holy fuck, bitch is pissing me off so I’m gonna start chugging until I see three of her and punch the one in the middle.

Everyone starts rushing to the aid of distraught Anorexic Betty – how bout give her a fucking cheeseburger and a beer and maybe on a full stomach, she’ll start thinking clearly and see that Andy likes boys and she is a dumbass and needs to get her attention elsewhere. Meanwhile, I decided that I was not going to let Skelator ruin my time so I storm out maturely and make my way down by the water, sit on a bench – drunk and start crying angry green beer tears. A pickup truck starts to circle and proceeds to ask me how much – seriously?! I am the epitome of hot mess at the moment in my mint green mock turtleneck sweater and boot cut jeans covered in car bomb stains – hardly moonlighting in appropriate slutgear and have you missed the runny makeup? I did not want to find out if damsel-in-distress was a turn on for him and end up hog-tied in the back of the truck or worse, face down in the water. As if this wasn’t bad enough, several cops walked past me and heard the guy proposition me and didn’t say anything – didn’t ask if I was okay, didn’t remind me that prostitution was illegal – nothing!

A short eternity later, Andy comes out to make sure I’m okay and goes all ‘Me Tarzan You Jane’ and throws me over his shoulder and carrys me into the bar where the group was – my angry tears were gone and I was back to wanting to procure flair from bars. I decided not to let Anorexic Betty ruin my night because I wasn’t in love with someone who doesn’t even like my gender that way nor was anyone branding me a hungry, hungry dumbass.

I didn’t get lucky with any guys that night, but I felt like the crushing of Anorexic Betty’s dreams of ever after with Andy was good enough! I also accepted there are worse things in life than being mistaken for the world’s most over-dressed whore; you could be the girl who announces her unrequited love for the openly gay guy hoping to be the one to turn him straight and bitch please: no one wants to be ‘that girl!’

I later learned Anorexic Betty married a guy who over-looked her lean and mean-ness and actually has kids now – hopefully they don’t have to split their cheerios to get rid of that 5 minute-old baby fat. Andy was also doing well. As for Annapolis, every time I go back there, I have a moment with that bench and wonder if pickup truck man finally got arrested for his propositioning of drunk girls, then I usually make my way to the bar where it all started, order a beer and laugh. I also make it a point to avoid Budweiser and skanks with eating disorders – it’s working out wonderfully.

Point of the conversation: In life’s game of ‘deleted scenes from Will and Grace,’ there really are no winners, so you might as well order another beer and hope for some specimen of hotness of the same sexual orientation to feed you a saucy pickup line – or if it’s your thing, proposition you from a pickup truck.

- Scarlett


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