25 February 2011

Oatmeal

Dating in college is tricky, relationships usually have an expiration date with a shelf life shorter than dairy or you end up marrying your plus one and hope to not regret this down the road but often do. I tried my hardest not to date people at my school erring more on the side of expiration date situations but a few times I foiled this plan.

Junior year I made the executive decision to allow myself to explore the likes of a guy on campus. I moved back early to help with freshman move in and he was there because his frat had a house off campus and they had a year of Animal House-esque shenanigans to prepare for. My roommate was dating his frat brother so she came up to campus and we went to their first unofficial party of the year. I was on anti-biotics for strep throat so I wasn’t drinking but it was all good, I was having fun. That night, I met ‘Oatmeal’ and figured since I didn’t have clouded vision from the keg of natty, maybe he was worth giving a chance. I never noticed him before which was weird because he was only a year ahead and the campus was small. We started hanging out and things seemed great, I even overlooked his love of Creed – talk about being open minded! My roommate was totally pushing this ‘relationship’ because she wanted to have a friend at the upcoming formal and was pumping me full of all his good qualities which I mistakenly listened to.

A few weeks into the semester, I was at a party at the frat house, which is the expectation when you are involved with one of the brothers. After throwing back a few shots of wild turkey out of necessity, I was good to go. ‘Oatmeal’ seemed to be acting a little weird and I just kind of dismissed it. I went back to my apartment and was telling my roommate about it and she decided that I should force ‘Oatmeal’ sealing the deal a little more forcefully and threw a Cosmo magazine at me and told me to brush up on my blowjob skills. I did review her recommended literature but it was nothing new. A few days later, I was back at ‘Oatmeal’s’ trying to get him to make with the pants dropping. Watching him take care of himself then having him ask me to hand him a towel to clean himself up was not exactly what I had in mind. I could see this arrangement had an expiration date on it and it was fast approaching – so fast that it was just about a week after this self servicing incident.

I found out after the fact that Oatmeal wasn’t over his previous girlfriend and had in fact been drunk not long before I entered his circle of awareness and cut himself then declared his love of the ex factor using his blood to write this proclamation on his bedroom wall– information that would have been helpful to know before I was encouraged to pursue him. I was drunk one night after the fall out and made the mistake of telling my roommates boyfriend about having to watch him play a solo game of wack-a-mole which 2.4 minutes later got out to all the frat brothers but first he consoled me telling me that ‘Oatmeal’ was 1 brain cell away from being a bowl of Oatmeal and that was my Eureka! moment – I was over it. I couldn’t eat oatmeal products for a few years after that but have since realized a good iced oatmeal raisin cookie never did me wrong and therefore shouldn’t suffer my shunning.

I did have to run into him on campus a lot and he started dating a freshman sorority pledge not long after we broke up but it didn’t matter to me, I knew his damage was far more than my social Neosporin could fix. A friend of mine rented a shore house for his birthday that following summer and Oatmeal and sorority girlfriend were staying at the same house – it was there I learned he couldn’t swim and was afraid to go in the ocean. I spent my weekend in the water. I do hope Oatmeal got over his emotional issues but I can’t help but laugh every time Creed comes on because really, who listens to that? No one else I’ve dated since, that much I can assure you!

Point of the conversation: Not all who wander are lost but all who cut themselves and write in bodily fluids should be avoided as prospective dating material.

- Scarlett

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