18 January 2011


Now see, I’s born and raised in the rural Midwest on a little homestead 10 miles outside a town as the crow flies closer to 15 if ya took the roads.  Anyway, I’s a freshman in high school and got home before my brother.  See he was workin’ for the neighbors hauling hay and the like.  Had the house to myself as I normally did.  As usual, I fired up the computer before going out to do chores.  Checked my electronic mail and farted around looking things like Autotrader – they got some nice trucks, ya know.  Well, before I knew it, I’s staring at a link to see a preview for some college-aged funny fellas.  How the heck did that happen!

Well, lookin’ at them trucks online got little Jed’s attention, but seeing these guys without their shirts on - little Jed damn near busted through my Wranglers.  By that point, I was getting daggum hot so my shirt just had to come off.  What else was I gonna do?  I was usin’ one of them dial-up connections - you know the sound – and it was takin’ FOREVER for them boys to load – and here all I wanted to do was unload.  By this point, I was givin’ little Jed a helpin’ hand if ya know what I mean.  Dagnabbit: why won’t that page load!

While the blood was poundin’ in my . . . ears, I thought I heard my brother’s truck come down the driveway.  Full stop.  I froze and listened.  I heard nothin’ and little Jed sure was a aching for attention.  So we went at it again.  By this point that page was loaded down to that there funny fellas naval – such a tease!  By this point I was really gettin’ in it – all hot and bothered waitin’ ta see what that there guy had below the belt.  Then I heard the garage door open.  Oh SH*T!  There I was shirt off, little Jed in hand, and a funny fella on the screen.  SH*T! SH*T! SH*T!  I closed them windows but the damn things kept popping up!  What the heck?  Close, god danged you, close!

My ol’ heart’s a’ pounding but not for the right reason this time.  I threw on my shirt and finally I just shut the monitor off.  Thank god for quick thinking.  Two seconds later my brother waltzed through the door.  Playing it cool I ask, “What’d you want?”  He gives me this sideways look – eyes squinted looking me over real good.  It was only a few seconds but felt like FOREVER.  As a drop of sweat rolled down my forehead, he curled the right side of his mouth up into a smirk.  The devil in his eyes lit up as he said “nothin’” matter-of-fact like, but with the air of someone who just figured somethin’ out.  He grabbed his work gloves and a glass of water and left.

I sat back down and turned the monitor back on.  That picture had loaded but they hid the good bits.  Out loud I muttered “Son of a bitch.”  Shuttin’ that computer down I thought, “Dang, little Jed’s gonna get me in trouble.”  Though at the time I had no idea just how much trouble little Jed was gonna get me into!

Point of the conversation: It's hard to think right with horny on the brain.

- Rusty Peters

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