09 January 2011

Homeless (2011)

La La's "Homeless" in August was a tragedy in the making. But in an effort to play "top that," I bring to you "Homeless" of the new decade. The topper? All was realized in only moments. Sadly, like all the stories on the blog, this is for real.

Whilst on a mental health day, recovering from the rat race of a job I have, I woke up, brewed some coffee, and turned-on my laptop. My dear old friend invited me to type in my password only to reveal an expired session on Manhunt, Adam4Adam, and my work email. Without even thinking about it, I logged back into all of the above in addition to Craigslist where I posted a quick two-word missive seeking a little nooner action:

"Anyone around?"

Those two words solicited 20-some replies. I think the psychology behind it is the more direct, the more masculine the person. Just a thought. I pulled an "eenie meenie miney moe" and gravitated towards he who's heading read: "Bi vers guy close by." And just like that we exchanged emails, numbers, then my address. He said that he was at the library downtown and would head over whenever I wanted. Attempting to not sound so desperate, I asked him to show up at my place in about 30 minutes because I had to take a shower as I had come back from the gym . . . Shhh: he didn't know any different.

He showed up, looking a bit off, but I didn't really say anything. He asked to use the bathroom and when he was done, he proceeded to make himself comfortable, taking off his coat, hat, and shoes. He then plopped on my couch changing the channels. (What?) He leaned back with a huge stretch revealing some loose, belly-skin over hang. Now, I love guys with bellies - solid ones - but bellies are not cute. Not like this; it looked like Kate Gossling post-sextuplet birthing. Yuck!

I asked if he lived close by, and he said that he lives in Brooklyn, he was just spending time at the public library because it wasn't time to work at the shelter yet. I'm-sorry-say-what? It all started to come together: the dirty nails, the matted hair, they layers and layers of grungy clothing? That's right my friends: my gentleman caller was a bona fide Homeless man hanging in my apartment wanting to hook up! Red flag! Luckily one of my friends was giving me a call during his lunch break. I quickly silenced it, but pretended I took the call and that there was an emergency that I had to attend to. Surprised, he asked me if I could just give him a knobby before he left.

New low - pass.

Point of the conversation: Be a little more selective.

- DeeCue

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