09 December 2010

Homo, Anonymous

One Saturday, I had a date with a friend of a friend of a friend and he flaked on me claiming a case of the sleepies. So in a total reactive move, when Mr. Right-Now didn't quite work out, I sought out Mr. Replacement. What a fine replacement: 5'8, 32 years old, 145 pounds, moderately hairy, six-pack, handsome and - by god - normal. After a few email exchanges, we decided to meet over a few beers to test the waters. Contrary to popular belief, some hook-ups require some warming-up to.

He grew up in a parallel universe to mine: same type of schooling, similar ventures in life. By god, if he weren't found on Craigslist, I would have thought it would have been a perfect date. But of course, three beers in, I got the green light for the hook-up and it was back to my apartment where there was a lot of making out and a lot naked touching.

Of course, things ended in a pop, squirt, and hand-shake with a promise to meet up again after a week-long business trip. RED FLAG: euphemism for "peace out, yo!" Sure enough, a week later, I left him a voice message asking if he'd want to meet up sometime that week. I wasn't needy nor desperate; neither pushy nor aggressive. I was normal. Two weeks later, I received an email in reply:

Hey DeeCue,

I am well. I realize you do want to see me again but I neglected to share a little more about myself. I have been in therapy for a few years and, in essence, I had a relapse. I am working to break all my bad habits which include everything associated with the homosexual culture. I am working towards this goal daily and I unfortunately slipped up a few Saturday's back. I believe you will understand as I continue on my journey.


* * *

I have finally met one: a recovering homosexual.

Point of the conversation: If you routinely stick your dick in a guy or get stuck by a guy, you are gay.

- DeeCue

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