29 August 2010

Team Edward

My college days were pretty interesting. One of the more noteworthy milestones was when I started to accept my gayness and slowly came out to my friends while figuring out exactly what kind of homo I really was:
Was I an out and proud flag-waver?
Was I a leather daddy in the making?
Was I a Chelsea boy wannabe?
Was I an aspiring-gym bunny?
It's important stuff to explore, I think . . .
Although it was crazy-difficult to do my necessary soul-searching when I decided to pledge Chi, my fraternity (not "frat" mind you; do you call your country a "cunt?"), there were definitely some good times which were a welcomed distraction from the truly rigorous process. The fraternity itself was pretty fun; I made some good friends, but I also made some true "brothers" in the end. I would never knock a fraternity and what it tries to establish. It's not for everyone, yet it is for some. But enough with the "buying your friends" bit; it's just dumb.

Anyhow, when I was a second-semester sophomore, I felt like I was floundering in the fraternity so I started to hang with the president, "Edward," to get some inspiration. He talked to me about leadership in the brotherhood and differing responsibilities. I valued my relationship with him at the time. He was my mentor and I looked up to him - he was bright and intelligent, but he was also still a devilish little boy at heart.

At our parties, the guys had different responsibilities; some worked harder than others. The Social Chairs worked closely with the Treasurer to purchase kegs and alcohol for the socials and parties Chi had. They were the work mules having to grab the empty tins from the house; lug them over to the beer distributors; bring them back; watch the taps because they are a hot commodity; buy the sleeves; buy the liquor and the mixes. It was a headache and I didn't envy them.
I remember my first semester in the brotherhood, it was reported at our weekly meeting that Chi's funds were depleted mysteriously. (The Treasurer didn't have a green or white problem. Nope, not him.) The ingenious plan was for the Social Chairs to post all over campus that Chi was having a 20-kegger (of Natural Ice, yuck!) with a $20 admission. It was the talk of the university. I showed up late from my campus job and walked into absolute madness. "This is fucking awesome! This is why I pledged!" Picture this: people on the front lawn; people in our alley which meant there were people in the backyard; people in the basement; people in the rooms; people claiming to be brothers; people claiming to be ME pointing "themselves" out on the fraternity composite of my brethren. Come on: it was out of control and I loved it! This 20-kegger was a great idea. There must have been at least 300 people; and if my math serves me correctly, our small 50-brother local just made $6000 minus cost.

The president called out to me to come up to the third floor. I waded through two flights of crowded stairs filled with college-aged imbibers. I managed to get through the drunken mess and walked into the room where he and ten other brothers were crowded around a keg filled with Yuengling. Sweet! He pulled out his phone and waved it over the group of huddled guys as if casting a spell with a magic wand. The guys began a slow chant, "Do it! Do it! Do it!" which grew increasingly louder and louder. I followed like a lemming into the hilarity that began to unfold, then hush: "Hello, Philly police? The Chi house next door is throwing a massive party right now and my Grandma Alma needs her rest . . . I know it's only 8pm . . . I know it sounds like the party is coming from my phone . . . well . . . can you just fucking get here?" The room erupted in laughter with hi-fives all around. "Watch this DeeCue," "Edward" leaned over to me.

Moments after these words were uttered, the bass beat of the music stopped and all you heard was "Five oh! Five oh!" Cops had arrived and the under-aged were in a panic. Like roaches scattering at the sight of a kitchen light being flipped on, blood-curdling screams and low yells to "Get out of the way!" were heard. It turns out that the Social Chairs, with the President's approval, had made the executive decision to advertise the well-supplied soiree but only purchase four kegs. Who said Chi men were dumb?

In any case, Chi always wanted the brothers to show early to not only pre-game but also to make sure we had guys to man the door, to help deejay, to watch the kegs and alcohol, stuff like that. This one night, I was the basement keg pumper. It was the perfect job if you wanted to meet people, play favorites, hit on chicks. It was a night that we invited the Theta Sorority to bring their pledges whose job it was to  serve the sisters and only the sisters. They were not allowed to talk to any brothers nor were they allowed to drink at the party. Before the party was a different story. They stumbled into Chi house like I don't even know. One girl came to the keg: "Hiiii. I'm "Jenna." Who are yoOOooou???" I apologize for the typos, it's for the drunken girly voice effect. I told her to save her breath. I pointed in "Edward's" direction and said that he would be more than happy to entertain her advances. I on the other hand will have none of it. Despite my rudeness, she frolicked away. I rolled my eyes when I made eye contact with one of the sisters who was a friend of mine. A knowing glance which meant that she was just going to be hazed even more later that night. Better her than me.

A few minutes later, "Edward" yelled: "Outside in five."

I passed the tap to one of the brothers and made my way outside of Chi house. "Edward" beckons me over as I approach with a smirk. He says to the pledge "Jenna," "Make out with DeeCue . . . Now, make out with me." She did as she was told. "Edward" commanded: "My place in ten." I laughed, went back inside to say my good-byes and left for "Edward's" place.

I knocked on the door and "Edward" answered in his boxers with a shit eating grin on his face. "Edward" was a white guy, football player build. Definitely my type, but the next description made him detestable to me. He escorted me into his dorm where "Jenna" was lying naked on the bed. She looked kind of uncomfortable. "Edward" resumed his position: in between her legs. He asked me if I wanted to earn my blood wings. "I'm sorry?" Blood wings were going down on a girl when she is on her period. Wha?! "I'll pass, thanks."
He went to town for what seemed like an eternity. "Jenna" excused herself. As the door closed, "Edward" quickly got on the horn and let the fraternity gossip in on the news: "Yo! Me and DeeCue are double-teaming this girl . . . yeah . . . yeah . . . Late!" Me. In a threesome. Ugh. I didn't want to perpetuate the notion that I was pretending to be straight. Damnit! "Jenna" came back. Concerned, I asked her if she was ok. She said she had to take out her "tamp." Chorus: EWE! While "Edward" continued to munch the carpet while I fondled her breats, gave her a kiss and made my exit. I asked if she was "cool" to which she responded, "yes." She made looked at me with eyes that said, "Please stay." But I left.
The next morning, I walked through the campus Food Court and I bumped into "Jenna."
DeeCue: "Hey! How was last night?"
Jenna: "Why did you leave?"
DeeCue: "To be honest, that isn't my scene. Did you have fun?"
Jenna: "He raped me."

Point of the conversation: Walk away from trouble.


- DeeCue

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