10 August 2010

Joey One-Eye

My two biggest problems in college were being an undercover gay in a hyper-masculine fraternity as well as being responsible with my credit cards. I figured I needed to do something 'cause no one likes an in-denial homo who doesn't know his financial limitations. So, a. I busted down my closet door and b. I consolidated my debt.

Three summers after I got my master's degree and one year into my five-year consolidation, I treated myself to a trip to Maui with one of my best friends. We planned to be there for about a month with one goal: learn to surf. To save money, we rented an ohana (Hawaiian guest house) from a retired, hippie couple from Cali. Now, if all we did was surf, I probably would have given my friend my version of the stigmata so we couldn't - so we also planned the famous "Road to Hana;" a down-hill bike ride along Haleakala volcano; a few other water sports; and hikes.

I brought my laptop to research the trips and, ok ok, to hook up. Truth be told, I logged onto Craigslist Hawaii's M4M page for the latter - sue me. Seriously though? Every gay man wants to hang with two guys "visiting from out of town." I think it's secretly - or not so secretly - in hopes of having an anonymous three-way with said out of towners, but I digress. My ad essentially said: NYC visitors looking for some local direction to all the fun.

Initial contact went like this:
Joey: "Sup."
DeeCue: "Hey, how's it going? Would you be up for meeting at our ohana for a few drinks and talking about what's fun to do on the island, gay or otherwise?"
Joey: "Pics?"
DeeCue: "Yeah, sure. You live close by to [insert address]?"
Joey: "Send."
DeeCue: “Um. OK, unless you just want to meet at a bar. It is just Tuesday, so we figure lay low for now."
Joey: "NIIICE. Stats? Loc.?"

Long story short, after this disjointed email exchange, the guy comes over. Decent looking and laid back sporting the island boy dress code with sunglasses. Oh, the sunglasses – I should've known to abort the mission right there. Although, they were warranted since we were drinking on the lanai watching the sunset. He had a strange high-pitched gasping-for-air kind of laugh and consistently punctuated his stories with "the point of the conversation is..." My friend signaled for me to go into the house to check something out; instead, we pow-wowed about how cute he was, we can ask him to catch a movie, he even asked if we were models from the mainland. Totally into us. We could get him to suck our dicks after the movie. Awesome, right? Then it happened: we went inside to get ready to go out to theater and he took off his glassies to reveal a droopy, lazy right eye permanently positioned at five o'clock.

Point of the conversation: Never chat up a guy who won't take off his sunglasses.

- DeeCue

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